I'm All Choked Up
by YouSure
Summary: A multi-chaptered fan-fiction. A nightmare, whether she begged or pleaded. The hero wasn't coming. A story about Blair going through something painful and the roller coaster that follows. OOC.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl... because if I did, well lets just say all the fanpop girls would have their dreams come true. ;)_

_A/N: First off, this is my first attempt at a multi-chaptered fanfiction. So if its horrible, I in advance say sorry for taking away your precious time. Second, Melanie (Little D.) THANK YOU for beta-ing you are AMAZING! Third Uh... Reviews are awesome, but if you don't want to review thats ok. I think thats it. Oh! Wait.. ENJOY. :)_

_Ps: Sorry its short. Maybe If I get inspired or motivated I'll make the following chapters longer._

* * *

_"Stop! Stop!" _

_The piercing force wasn't stopping, she tried to grasp for anything, the sheets wouldn't help, he was too powerful to push off and he just kept repeating the same motion._

_"Please, stop... ... please." She was begging, pleading, to make it end._

_It made her sick, knowing how this was going to end. Nobody was coming and nothing was there to save her from him. No hero to destroy the villain and save the day. Inside she was begging for that hero, but for her the villain won. He was pulling her hair, breathing down her neck. She felt gross, worse then after throwing up. Her eyes held nothing, but fear and complete defeat._

_"GET OFF!"_

_She was throwing her body every which way to get away. To get out from under him. He didn't say anything just pinned her to the uncomfortable mattress and touched every inch of her._

_Blair Waldorf was being** raped**._

----

Blair Waldorf's cloths were tattered and ripped. She slowly made her way to the elevator in the lobby after leaving the taxi she had taken home. She needed home, she needed comfort. She need the events that took place only over an hour ago to disappear, she couldn't remember exactly how she made it this far home, but she clearly remembered the man lingering over her, that just wouldn't stop. Her stomach was lurching inside; she needed some kind of release.

As she waited for the elevator light to hit L (lobby), she held onto the breath she hadn't realized she was holding. When the light lit up "L" she sucked in a gasp of air and entered the elevator. The small, closing, no escaping box.

Before she knew it she was falling towards the hard steel floor of the box, she couldn't hold together any longer, she collapsed. As the elevator went up higher and higher she could hear the clicking of each passing floor. Each click was like a ticking bomb, any minute now the click would make her explode, everything would fall apart, just like she did. The walls would close in, the elevator would drop, and her heart would stop.

None of that happened just a "ding" and the opening of doors.

TBC...

* * *

A/N: So..... Was it horrible? Did you think it was tolerable? haha Either way, thanks for reading! I'll probably updated from day to day, or so. It depends on how I'm feeling and if I get inspired. So its pretty random. Thank again for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gossip Girl.**

**A/N: Sorry it took so long to update, I wasn't sure how to dive into chapter 2. I promise the next chapter wil have more dialog. Also I have it semi-planned out already. So it shouldn't take me extremely long to update haha. Well without further a-due, I give you Chapter 2 of "I'm All Choked Up".**

**BTW Thanks a billion for the reviews, you have no idea how much I adore them! It means alot to me that people like my story and actually take the time to write something. Thanks A TONS! ENJOY.**

**SPECIAL THANKS: Little D. (Mel) , thanks a billion for beta-ing! I'm extremely thank-ful!**

* * *

The sun was washing the sky at this time.

She wasn't under covers, didn't change her clothes from last night and hadn't showered. She can't. Seeing herself, walking, counting the breaths it was too much to try and handle.

So instead of ridding herself of him, she soaked in what he was. She felt like absolutely nothing, like doing nothing what-so-ever. Too bad life doesn't feel the same way.

Instead the sun rises every morning, the moon sets every night and people breathe everyday.

Not even for a Waldorf does the world stop.

___

After hours of staring at the ceiling and analyzing every crevice of the molding, sounds started coming from the hallway. The sounds were bouncing off the layers of the thick walls. She got an awkward feeling in her stomach, nothing like last night, almost the feeling of relief. She flinched at the thought of last night and waited for the heavy footsteps to come to a conclusion. The sound stopped, she swore that behind her door she could hear shaky breaths that were paced precisely.

She waited, after an amount of time passed by, the breaths deafened completely and everything around her fell silent once again. The ceilings took her full concentration away for a second time around.

Oh how stupidly fascinating those ceiling were.

It was just a distraction, it helped to stop the train of thoughts that wanted to come off the tracks and slam into her mind. She didn't want that. She much rather preferred blocking things out. It's better then the real world she thought...._much better_.

"MISS BLAIR!"

_Oh shit_. The real world is seriously sucking right now.

Blair waited to see if Dorota would just leave her alone, maybe if she didn't say anything Dorota would leave her to be. She was hoping for a miracle.

"MISS BLAIR!"

Nope, no miracle. She knew Dorota was at the door now, waiting; and she would wait until the end of earth for her to reply. The problem was Blair couldn't find her voice, if she could she would tell Dorota to leave, and that she wanted to stay in bed all day.

That she wasn't feeling good, but nothing wanted to come out for her. She started feeling a horrible burn in her throat and desperately needed water. It felt like she had been drinking sand for a good few days. She rushed for the bathroom, almost crashing to the floor; it was like she forgot how to use her legs properly. This most likely had something to do with the fact that she has been wide awake for a good 12 hours, maybe more without moving. So her legs were numb and useless. Luckily she caught the door's handle before her body could collapse to the ground.

____

The door's handle turned underneath her shaky hands. When the door opened and revealed a cold tiled, almost sparkling room. It made her feel queasy. That probably had something to do with not moving for so long and from how gross she felt. Seeing something clean and un-touched was sickening. The toilet looked inviting right now, but she didn't think she could make it that far without having something to grip for the journey over to the welcoming bowl.

Also, her throat was dying for water; heaving and stressing her throat dry wouldn't help the thirst. The sink was right besides her, it was practically grazing her left arm, and she could grip the sink's edges to stay balanced. She ignored grabbing one of the cups and lowered her head underneath the faucet, so she could have the water rush over her throat, that cold, crisp water. She finally turned the sink off and wiped her mouth dry with the back of her hand. A small sigh of relief left her lips.

After getting rid of her desert thirst, the feeling in her legs was coming back too. She released her grip of the sinks edges, and slowly raised her head. When she reached the mirror and an unfamiliar girl's gaze, that almost looked like her, but with ripped clothes, untamed greasy hair, and water leaking from her eyes. The girl looked pitiful, sickly and if it's possible, broken. The color in her eyes looked faded. It was sad, Blair knew what she was looking at, and it was hard to realize the girl in the mirror could be the girl that only a day ago smiled and never allowed her hair to be a strand out of place. Who always had a devilish sparkle in her eyes. It was like watching a horror movie, seeing the girl in the mirror. Seeing her, seeing Blair Waldorf.

Blair did the only thing she knew to do, lunge for the toilet and pour it all out. Even after shoving her fingers repeatedly down her throat and trying to heave something up. Nothing came, there was nothing. Nothing to pour out.

_No relief._

______

_"Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all."_

* * *

**TBC…**

**A/N: Hope you liked it. As always if you want you can review , I would totally love it! Thanks for reading, I'll try to update soon. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl.**

**A/N: Ok, I wasn't completely happy with how I ended this chapter. I have the opening for Chapter 4 already written and I orginally had it attached to this chapter, but it didn't fit right ,so I had to leave you with an odd ending. Sorry. I wish I wrote more to this chapter, but sadly I didn't. This chapter was needed, and thats all I could think while writing it. The next chapter is going to be mind-boggling, atleast I think so. Chapter 3 is just going to dive deeper into Blair's mind and how the world outside is coming. The dialog didn't go exactly how I planned, but it didn't make sense for other characters to just randomly appear, so I kept it realistic. OK! My ranting has to stop, I hope you like this chapter, and review if you do! I would love that.**

**This hasn't been beta'd so please, accept my apologizes for anything I missed. ENJOY.**

* * *

She lowered the toilet bowl's lid shut and leaned back against the wall, taking in everything. How cold the tile felt against her uncovered skin, the sparkle that was glittering off the faucet, the maid in front her staring with a sympathetic and shocked look. Blair just looked past her and at the odd shaped tiles and how they perfectly fit with one another.

"Miss Blair, get up!" Dorota was grabbing for Blair and trying to pull her up off the floor.

"…please Miss Blair, before your mother comes."

Blair didn't listen or help; she had gone limp and just let Dorota do the work.

"You must get cleaned. Look at what you wearing! Miss Blair your hair. OH dear!"

Dorota by some miracle got Blair over to the shower and unclothed. The maid pushed Blair into the shower, and told her to start it while she discarded her clothes.

_

Blair gripped the nasal and pulled it down to start the shower, she felt the water hit her skin, and it felt like daggers. She flinched. As the water ran over her body and went through her hair. She came to realization and screamed.

"FUCK!"

Dorota came running in.

"What's wrong!?"

Blair pulled her fist away from the tiled wall part of the shower and answered with all the composure she could muster.

"Nothing."

She realized he was washing away, and with that he truly won. She sunk down on the bottom of the shower, and let the water wash over her. As she raised her face to be hit with the warm water, she let all the thoughts come rushing in. _What do I do? Why! I'm disgusting. Did I scream? I'm dead. Am I alive? Is this a nightmare? What have I done? FUCK FUCK FUCK!_

As the water started changing from warm to freezing, she grabbed for the towel Dorota had gotten for her, wrapped it around herself and stepped out.

__

She sat on her bed, fully dressed now, in clean clothes. Her hair brushed and her makeup done. All thanks to Dorota. Blair just stared blankly at the paint on her wall while her maid did everything. She was lucky to have her, but at the moment she didn't feel lucky at all. So the thanks would have to come later.

When Dorota left to go start dinner, yes dinner. Blair was in her bedroom for quite some time. She just sat there, not sure what to do. All of a sudden the mirror in her bedroom was shattered …. Blair had thrown her shoe at it.

Why have a mirror to look at a horror scene. _No point_.

The glass flew everywhere; it hit her leg and left a minor cut on the part of her right leg. She was sure, she had felt it. Maybe she didn't. But it was bleeding so, she knew it happened.

She let it drip, thought who gives a shit. I know I don't, but for some odd reason she was begging for it not to hit the floor. Like it was going to kill her. That's why she stood up and cleaned it with the towel she used earlier for drying herself. After cleaning the blood off, she took her place back on the bed, and just waited. Maybe for the ending of this nightmare, or the hero to sweep in and save her. _SOMETHING_….

But nothing came.

Just Dorota with a tray, of something that was suppose to be food, but instead to Blair looked like the contents of her latest throw up.

After shoving the grueling shit down her throat, by which Dorota helped. She was forced to lie down against the pillows and under covers.

The odd thing was, Blair felt like none of it was happening, she felt almost like she wasn't in her body. If you have ever had an outer body experience, try imaging that, but instead of it going away, it sticks. Like when you wake up in the morning after not getting enough sleep, you feel awkward in your body.

__

Sleep didn't grace it's presence on Blair; instead she just stared, and watched the car lights reflecting off her ceiling pass over every time a car drove the roads below. It's funny to think there's a world outside of this bedroom.

Tomorrow would come and that world wouldn't seem so funny.

* * *

**A/N: Ok, I need to make some things clear. If you at all are wondering or did wonder about the odd sounds Blair heard outside her bedroom ,behind the door in chapter 2. Did you automatically think it was Dorota? Or something/someone else? It will matter eventually. Well that will soon be even more confusing in the next chapter, because as of this point Blair hasn't slept in the last 3 days and isn't eating. So.. shes a bit out of it. I am working on the next chapter very hard! I promise to finally get Blair out of her enclosed bedroom. I mean you can't keep a Queen B locked up forever. Well hope you liked this chapter, and I really would love some feedback.**

**Thanks again for reading!!!!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl.**

**A/N: Sorry it took a tad bit longer to finish up. Its finished though. Thats a positive. haha! I was dreading this chapter, because I hate forcing a character some way, but it oddly came out decent I think. I'm hoping that you guys think so too. I already know how other characters are coming in, well atleast one. Next chapter will be LONG, and alot of stress for our poor Blair. I've decided on the timeline, and its after 2.15 , so thus Chuck and Blair aren't together, but they are sadly "done"**** as Blair would say. Ok the timeline _might _change I can't decide, I've never had to worry about timelines , but now I do. So I will. I hope you all like this chapter, its more so just getting Blair out, and also showing some of her problems. **

**Its not beta'd, so again if there are some things wrong, accept my apologies. Please.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Waking up.

It's an action that can only be done when you've fallen asleep. So Blair Waldorf wasn't so much as waking up as she was just getting up and out of bed from a long night of nothingness stares at the ceiling. The ceiling was actually starting to move….well it looked that way.

Blair knew that her mind and eyes were playing games, so when she looked in the direction of the mirror she shattered in the late day yesterday that was now completely un-touched, not a single shattered or broken piece. She just let it pass by with the simple thought

_I'm going insane…_

____

She didn't think it made a difference whether she was insane or just sleep deprived. She knew yesterday she shattered that mother fucking mirror with her damn shoe. She looked for her shoe, knowing it had to be somewhere close to the mirror on the ground. It was no where.

"Dumb SHOE!" Blair was letting the insanity of all this get to her.

Actually thinking about it she didn't recall Dorota commenting on the mirror either. She found that odd, Dorota would have said something or at least gasp in surprise. Something.

That's when Blair desperately wanted out of her bedroom; she thought it was making her crazy_… insanely crazy_. Hallucinations, hearing voices, things moving that shouldn't be moving. Yup….

"Insanely crazy." she whispered to herself.

__

She got dressed before venturing out of this psycho sanctuary.

While dressing she was trying to find the most modest clothing she owned. That's how she ended up with a pair of straight leg jeans, black boots, a plain white t-shirt, and a black pea coat. She found the smallest comfort in the fact that it didn't leave fantasying for wondering eyes.

She needed one last look over of herself, just to make sure everything looked … ok.

Everything seemed perfect in the mirror, well except for the dark circles under her eyes, and that bulging coming from her middle section.

She sighed.

_Never quite right_. At least her hair looked nice. The brown silky curls grazed her shoulders. No headband though, something about headbands was swirling around in her head, and she couldn't pin-point it. It nauseated her though, those headbands, she knew that much.

Thus, no headband.

While heading for the door she looked back at the mirror one last time. She swore she had shattered that dumb mirror!

_DAMIT_… it was still perfect no scars, or cracks. Nothing!

It was driving her insane, which she clearly already was. She decided, it was best to ignore that damn mirror and open up this door leading to more insanity.

__

The door opened to the hallway, it wasn't anything Blair hadn't already known. It was just leaving her room, the "crazy" room, her sanctuary. It still had some odd comfort attached to it. She liked that comfort.

She wanted to run back in and just let the craziness and comfort consume her all together, but she knew sooner or later the "world" was coming, better to get it done with, then let it linger.

While closing the door behind her and letting go of the knob, she took an over exaggerated breath, it was needed. Her legs were feeling numb and useless again, but she worked her way down the hall while gripping the wall's trim and any object with sturdy legs.

Blair wanted to curse her legs to the dirt. They were shaking so bad. She could almost hear the bones rattling. After a while her legs regained the strength they lost.

When she made it to the foyer, she took everything in. Not much changed in the three day lock down she had in her room, except those flowers she didn't remember those being there. At first she thought it seemed normal. Being in a room on lock down mode, things change and flowers can be bought. The only problem with those flowers was that they were making her feel queasy, exactly like the headbands did earlier. Nauseated. She rubbed her hand over her forehead, just trying to relax.

After the queasiness passed she headed for the elevator, she really wanted out. This was a test for her; to see how much she could handle. Alone. She was slightly annoyed by the fact that her so-called best friend hadn't contacted her, but it seemed too unimportant to be annoyed about, with everything else happening. Also trying to explain why she was acting weird, and staying locked up in her room, would be too much to handle. She thought that was something for later. If she could have it her way it would never happen. She thought a walk would be ok to start out with. Just a relaxing walk with herself and…. her thoughts. She was starting to dislike this walk idea with thinking about it more and more.

__

When she pushed the elevator's button to bring the small closing box up to her house floor, she heard it.

The _clicking_.

That's when she ran. She ran for the stairs leading to the lobby as quick as her legs would allow her. That clicking was a ticking time bomb and it scared her more then anything.

…. well almost anything.

__

Even after leaving her room and being in the lobby she still felt insane, like she just wasn't "there".

Making her way through the lobby was ok. There weren't too many people, they were all mostly women, at least the guests and attendants were. The person at the front desk was a man and so was the doorman.

While Blair passed the desk "check in" she felt terrified she was sweating, her hands and legs were trembling, and then her eyes started getting wet. This was odd. She didn't get it!

_Why am I freaking out!_

She felt as if claustrophobia was setting in, but being Blair Waldorf she wiped away the tears, and gather all the strength she could for her body to steady and the trembles to stop. She walked towards the doors of "hell" technically not hell, but the world outside was sure starting to look a lot like it.

As the doorman opened the door, she panicked, one because she was having the weird trembles again and two because it was scary venturing out to that called "life".

After a few more minutes of composure she hurried out the door to get past the doorman quickly. She really didn't understand why men were giving her the creeps or why they seemed to be triggering freak outs, but they were.

_This was insane! Half of the population is male! How can you avoid them, you can't!_

So, this was truly ridiculously insane she thought.

__

The sounds immediately flooded her ears. It was odd, she felt like the world should be different, that people should be moving slower or something. They were acting as if nothing happened three days ago, as if everything was normal.

"Everything is normal" Blair whispered to herself.

"At least to them…."

That freaked her out more then anything

__

_"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity!"_

**TBC…****

* * *

**

**A/N: Ok sorry, I know some people wanted Chuck or Serena to come into play, but I have that planned out and I don't want to ruin it. I promise, and I could regret this later, but I promise to add more characters/dialogue in the next chapter, I mean actual dialogue and conversations.. Not just terrfied Dorota ranting. haha! I would adore reviews!!! Really I would. haha. This chapter is trying to show you Blair's thinking capability and sanity is on a thin line. Everythings confusing and you will eventually figure out about the headbands, and flowers. Its actually important. Ok I think I've said enough. :) Thanks for reading, I would love to know what you thought.**

**PS: The quote at the end is Edgar Allan Poe.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This is my quickest update, Its the second longest chapter I've written for this story too. Last chapter was a few hundred words longer, but I must say I loved writing this chapter SO MUCH! I knew where I was taking her and it was exciting doing it. As I promised a character comes into play in this chapter, maybe not who you all wanted, but its still someone. HAHA! I have no idea where the next chapters going, but I have a small idea of how certain characters will come into play. If you have any questions about the chapters. ASK ME. Please. Haha! I want you all to have fun while reading this, and understand it too. :) I can't say how happy I am when I read the reviews you all are AMAZING!!! Like x's a billion!!! For the readers that are sticking with this story and adding it to their favorites and alerts. I just want to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I wish I could say more, but I don't know what to say. Other then it means a lot to me!**

**Ok, I hope you enjoy reading, again not beta'd so accept my sincere apologies , I had to trust the Word Microsoft to be my beta haha!**

**Enjoy. oh btw Review if you want of course. I would love it!!**

* * *

Focusing on the sidewalks helped, except they had cracks lots of cracks which that dumb mirror didn't. It was mocking her. She was trying her best to focus on anything besides the people.

They always seemed closer then they were, with all their hollering and chatting, she felt in closed. With ever loud noise from a car she jumped, and panicked. Maybe a walk was a bad idea everything was becoming blurry and the _people_!

If she wasn't already insane they would be sure to make her.

It was freezing outside; she was clinging to herself almost in a hug form. She was trying to keep warm and it helped her feel better, feeling like she was being protected. She lost that feeling every time a man came near or went by.

She hated being vulnerable it was unflattering she thought. You aren't supposed to show your weaknesses, its how you play the game.

Show nothing, get everything.

___

After hours of walking it started getting dark, she hurried home; she didn't find this walking helpful, it was a horrible idea. The street lights came on, that terrified her. The dark is not her safety, but neither is the light it shows too much, but that's besides the point she wanted her sanctuary back! Even if it made her insane.

Being outside plain and simply sucked. The only decent thing about it was the cold weather it gave off a calming feeling, something that helped, but with all the people and noises. It was horrible, not even the cold's calmness could make her overlook those annoyances.

___

She was in front of her penthouse, the man opened the doors for her and she hurried in only looking back once, just to see the "world" one last time. She passed the elevator and made her way to the stairs. This was something she thought would become tradition, because there was no way she was going to tolerate that clicking, it would surely kill her.

___

After the endless flights of stairs were left behind, she entered her home, the foyer. She took off her coat and laid it over the chair close to her, Dorota would get it later. When she walked in deeper she started to relax a little, being around so many people, so many men had made her extremely tense, uncomfortable and terrified. Being in her safe haven helped.

She wanted something warm, something comforting. That's when hot chocolate came to her mind, she hadn't consumed anything for days, she could handle a drink it could warm her insides she assumed, but before she got a chance at that warming comfort she came across a body sitting in her living room. In the arm chair with their back turned on her, she panicked, she wanted to run, scream, hide, something…, but she couldn't move.

She was stuck by her own fears. They had a hold on her.

Her breathing picked up, every breath felt like her last.

But before the last breath could ever be taken the body turned around and stood up facing her.

___

It was Nathaniel.

She felt a slight relief consume her, but the shaking didn't stop and the relief wore off.

"Blair. I...uh. Hi."

Blair didn't speak, she was just trying not to scream or run. She hadn't been alone in a small capacity with a man since….. Well since three days ago.

All she could do was try her best to not panic. Relax.

_Its just Nate, he wouldn't, won't……._

_Breathe._

"Blair uh, I'm sorry, Dorota told me to just wait here, if I liked. She said you would be back soon. So…I waited."

Blair didn't speak she was just trying to hold it together.

To bad dumb ass was seeming to try and break her apart, he was making this extremely hard for her.

He came closer to Blair, it scared her. She took the same amounts of steps he took towards her, but went backwards. He noticed her awkward behavior.

"You ok Blair?"

He reached out to touch her. That was it.

She panicked and nearly screamed at him.

"I'm FINE! Why are you here?"

His eyes looked hurt and confused. She felt bad for freaking out on Nate, he didn't do anything wrong its just he was one of them, he could hurt her….. If he wanted.

She couldn't control the trembles or the fear she had, so Nate had to just deal. Even if he was innocent in all of this.

"I… I well I wanted to see if you've seen Serena or something I was trying to get a hold of her to just talk about some stuff and she isn't answering her phone. She's not home. I just got kind of worried about her. That's all, and you're her best friend. I thought she might be with you or something…. So I came here."

Nate took a breath after his long ramble of his thoughts.

Blair had an "Oh right, Serena" feeling. Even thought she was feeling utterly intolerable of people more so man, she couldn't help, but feel hurt and mad that she'd been broken beyond comprehension, and locked up for almost four days! And what Serena was gone or out for 5 minutes and the worlds in High Fucking Alert.

_No one called, no one came for me…_

Her heart sank, but her body still shook and trembled. It wanted to propel itself towards her "crazy" sanctuary.

"Blair…?"

Nothing. Just Blair and her thoughts all pouring in again.

"BLAIR!?" he tapped her shoulder lightly. Trying to get her attention.

She lost the battle of holding it together.

"NO!"

"Blair what the..."

"I meant, just no I haven't see Serena she's…. She's probably with Humphrey or something. I just … I don't know ok!"

All those words came out without her even thinking over them. It wasn't her.

She decided this was over; she walked quickly to her room.

She felt him following just as quick from behind.

"Wait! Blair!"

She made it to her room just quick enough, to slam the door before he could put his hands on the door to stop her. She locked the door and leaned up against it breathing and sliding down against the cold hard wood to the ground.

_Why me_….._ I'm sorry. What ever I did to deserve this I'm sorry_......_ I am._

The tears finally came and washed her completely.

____

He waited outside the door for a few minutes hearing her breaths, he knew something wasn't right, but he didn't know what to do, to say. He never did, and he hated it.

"Blair…."

No answer.

He whispered to her one last time.

"Blair….please…."

Nothing.

He knew she wasn't going to let him in, or come up. He wanted her to open up, show something. He always did, but nothing.

He slide down the door and sat, leaned up against it, waiting….

All he heard was heavy breathing and quiet sobbing.

Nathaniel might not have been the brightest, or most understanding person, but he cared and she was one of the few he cared about…. But he didn't know how to help.

So he left. Even though it was the last thing he wanted to do.

He left.

__

_"Solitude scares me. It makes me think about love, death, and war. I need distraction from anxious, black thoughts."  
_  
**TBC.**

* * *

**A/N: ok so...? What did you think? haha! I mean its not Chuck , but hey! its another character, and I found Nate endearing to write HAHA! I came up with a new thing, at the end of every chapter I'm putting a quote that kind of summarizing Blair's feelings and the chapters meaning. I like quotes haha! Anyways, I really hope you liked this chapter, I had to play White Lies : "Death" on loop, so it would keep playing till I was done writing HAHA! I can't say when or how Chucks coming into the story because one its a SUPRISE, too I'm not completely set with the idea yet. I must say that was a fun chapter to write, I'm not sure how I'm going to start the next, yet. I'll try to update as soon as possible. Thank you all again for reading. Review if you want, I WOULD ABSOLUTLY LOVE IT!!!**

**PS: The quote is Brigitte Bardot  
**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl.**

**A/N: Alrightly, sorry this took a tad bit longer then expected, but ITS LONG! haha, a lot longer then the other chapters, hopefully as I keep going on they will keep getting longer, anyways! Ok, I wanted to say THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH, for the awesome reviews! I love them to death!! I adore reading them , they inspire me to get typing, so thank you a billion!!!!!! Now, this chapter, well its interesting, I will say you'll learn more about the nausea with the certain items. Maybe after you read, you'll get it, I hope. I'm unsure of how much background information you'll be getting on the raping. Its kinda a touchy part of the story, so I'm trying to think it through well. So be patient, Nate fans you'll be happy, and some Serena fans might be too, Chuck fans (like me) well I'm not saying what you'll be.  
**

**Well Enjoy, this is not beta'd, but I looked over it like a bijillion times. So hopefully its ok. I'm sorry in advance if its not.**

**Review if you want, I know I want you too! lol**

**ENJOY!  
**

* * *

She fisted her hair in her shaking hands, closing her eyes. She heard his footsteps fading, and then the "ding". A lot of different emotions she couldn't fully grasp started rising.

Blair hated freaking out on Nate, and was worried what he might do now. He never was the brightest, but he was such a caring idiot, he would probably go tell someone. Thinking that would help or something.

Which it wouldn't.

Blair sighed at the thought, everything was coming to fast for her, tomorrow was Monday she had to pull herself together for school. She scoffed at that thought, after everything she still had to deal with petty school, and the people that came with it. That was something she feared, the people, the men, Nate.

Blair hoped for a miracle.

_Just make him stay quiet, or allow him to completely forget about me, it would be greatly appreciated!_

After endless amounts of thinking and hoping. Blair needed something to relax, a shower would suffice.

___

An hour or two later Blair walked out of the bathroom, in long comfy sweat pants, and a black t-shirt. This was a first, never had she worn anything, but night dresses and elegant, expansive cloths to bed. This was not Blair Waldorf in the least bit. She could care less at this moment; anything to cover her skin would be perfect.

He did this to her, took it all away, the pride, the power, the confidence she was still working on, everything she worked so hard to perfect, and gain.

_With one night he took it all away._

She cringed thinking about him, anything related to that night.

After pushing aside those thoughts, she headed for bed, and got under the cold, soft covers.

Wrapping them around her like her life depending on it, the covers were her protection for tonight.

___

Around night time was the hardest, because she didn't want to and couldn't sleep. Scared of what might come from it, how can she protect herself with her eyes closed, and her body shutting down. Even though she tried her hardest to focus on something, and keep her attention on anything. It didn't work, her eye lids felt like weights weighing down on her.

Before she could stop herself they closed, and with that came the dreams called nightmares.

___

_**She stood directly in the middle of a blurred room, the walls were a beige color that made her want to gag, and the wood floors felt cold and awkward beneath her bare feet. **_

_**The only decent thing in the room was the pretty pink flowers. They stood out in this dull room, she felt an urge to touch them, and smell them. The urge led her over to them. She took in the biggest breath she could of those flowers, they were so elegant, and they were smooth. **_

_**They smelled divine, clean.**_

_**Perfect.**_

_**He came up behind her putting his arm around her waist and brushed her shoulders softly with his breathing.**_

_**She felt her body tremble. **_

"_**You like them? If you want them, I wouldn't object."**_

_**She turned to look at him, but his face was a confusing blurred blob of nothing. He had no face to know.**_

_**That's when she screamed.**_

___

She woke up abruptly, to a horrible shrieking alarm clock. Who ever invented the alarm clock deserved to die, and be honored. Because without it the dream….. nightmare might not of ended.

Her heart was racing, and pumping almost out of her chest. She was soaked in her own sweat, her body was warm with nausea setting in, and her throat ached, from most likely screaming in her sleep.

She knew what the dream was about, and finally the flowers in her foyer earlier on yesterday made sense, her reaction to them made sense.

He had them in the room; she noticed them before _it _happened.

Her heart sank.

Sitting up in her bed, the covers tangled throughout her legs, she desperately wanted comfort…. just not sure how to get it. So, she unraveled the covers and snuggled back up to them.

Getting up and out of bed shortly after, to prepare for the nightmare of a day ahead of her.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath one last time, before getting ready.

This was going to be hell.

___

After an hour, of preparing herself for "hell" she ended up wearing white tights a black skirt, longer then her usual, with a pair of black shoes and a red pea coat, she thought "hell" would agree with the color choice.

No headband, still.

Her hair laid on her shoulders with curls throughout it.

___

Before leaving her house, she stalked over to the mirror in her foyer, to see how she turned out. She cringed, to much skin showing, but she didn't want anyone to notice a difference in her. So she pushed aside her mania, and ignored eating. Best not to fill yourself with something, which you'll force back out later anyways.

She made her way to the stairs before Dorota could bother her about not eating something.

___

After endless flights of stairs Blair tightened her grip on her school bag and all it contents. She was preparing herself, walking out into the lobby with the fakest smile on.

Not sure why she even put it on, no one was there to worry about, yet.

Her heart was pounding, there were more men then yesterday in the lobby, and she could feel the panic attack coming on, so she hurried out the door, making her way to school.

Avoiding everything.

___

She made her way up the front steps of the school, only to see what she was dreading,

Nathaniel Archibald, waiting.

_For all that is holy!_

_Can't he be a jerk, and stop being a caring son of a bitch. _

_Like the guy who slept with Serena and was sleeping with a married woman, be that guy. Be him and leave me the fuck alone!_

He didn't, instead he saw her, and made his way down the steps and walked towards her, with the stupidest sympathetic look planted on his face ever! She cringed, _why why why!_

While she ranted in her head, he was standing inches from her, thinking of the best way to start this awkward conversation off probably, or maybe he thought about that all last night…… who knows.

___

He thought about this conversation all night, he wasn't sure how she would be tomorrow at school, but seeing her, he saw the same girl from last night shaking avoiding everything and everyone.

This wasn't Blair Waldorf. Not the girl he knew.

Last night after leaving her, he decided he was going to help, without Serena's or Chuck's help this time. He always needed help from them, and he wanted to try it alone this time. He wanted to help and make up for being a complete ass to her after last years fiasco.

So this was his "sorry", to help her with whatever she was going through. Even though he was completely clueless to the real problems she was going through.

He did feel guilty not going to Chuck and telling him, I mean his best friend would want to know this.

_Right_?

_Its fucking Blair, of course he would._

Nate figured out from Chuck about the whole "Jack set me up" shit. He was pissed, but couldn't decide with whom more. Jack for being a Jack Ass, and hurting his own and only nephew, or Chuck for hurting Blair.

Again.

He really had no right to speak though, he hurt Blair too before and more then on one occasion, so he sucked too.

And going to Serena would be a horrible idea, she would freak out! Serena never was the save and rescue type, she was more the get saved and be rescued one. Blair was the hero, while Serena was the damsel in distress. We all were the ones in distress. Never her though.

_Poor Blair, she always helped us out. She deserves better then us fucking three. _

_____

He wasn't saying or doing anything, just staring at me with that annoying sympathetic look, if I wasn't shaking so bad, I would have scoffed and walked away, but I was scared to move.

This fear was holding me. I hated it.

_Move, Move, JUST MOVE! Its Nathaniel, he wouldn't...  
_

It made no sense, he looked as if he was thinking something through, Blair took a chance and coughed, just wanting him to say what he wanted and then leave her alone.

So… she waited, trembling, and holding in the screams.

Then he finally said something.

"Hi"

_That's it, Hi. Wow and I was expecting more…..then again, its Nate._

She gave a fake weak smile and nodded, in response to his greeting.

"Blair….." this was it, he was actually going to talk.

".. I…. what's wrong?" he tried to touch her arm in a comforting way, but she flinched back quickly, and he dropped his hand back to his side.

"Nothing" it came out raspy with pain etched in the back.

"Please, Blair. Stop this pretending. Just tell me."

"Nothing, do I need to spell it out for you!"

He was waiting and prepared for the "Bitch Blair" it was better then a "No Talking Blair".

"Nothing…? Last night you were crying, practically falling apart and you're trembling! Stop acting, and tell me!"

He tried to talk as calm and low as he could, but she always could aggravate him. The not opening up to him, always did this to him. Made him frustrated with her, but he relaxed, realizing its Blair,

_get over the past and help her_!

That was it, even if she was terrified she wouldn't take being yelled at by him, not after everything that she's gone through.

"Back the fuck off! I didn't ask for your help! Because I don't need any! Mind your own business for once Nathaniel and stay out of mine" Her voice didn't come out as strong and vile as she would have liked, because she was trembling still. But it served its purpose.

She stalked off, praying he wouldn't follow; the panic attack was getting worse, with all the people staring and crowding her space. He would just add more to it.

___

After her first few classes were over Blair was exhausted, and she had been trying so hard to avoid guys and people in general, which wasn't easy, but she'd done good so far. No screaming or running … yet.

Lunch Time came, this is where Blair had to do the performance of her life, for the three who worshipped her, well until someone else came along and stole the title of "Queen" , but as of now that was Blair.

"Blair! Where have you been? Penelope, Hazel and I have been looking everywhere; you didn't come and see us in the morning."

Blair shrugged.

"Around."

This was a horrible attempt at "normal"

"_Around..._and what exactly is that suppose to mean?" Hazel squeaked, quirking an eyebrow.

"Whatever you want it to mean. Now stop interrogating me and sit down."

"Is there a reason to interrogate for B?" Penelope spoke with a smirk, like some juicy gossip is about to get spilled.

"Penelope, shut-up and sit." Blair might have been un-Blair for sometime now, but she doesn't take shit from Penelope or anyone of these clone bitches.

"I said, sit!" Blair barked at them.

They listened, and that half ass smirk was wiped clean from Penelope's face.

"Now, let's talk girls, whose stepping on whose toes these days?"

Now that smirk that was previously worn by Penelope was on Blair's face, but only for a brief moment, she could still feel all the guys walking around her, and it made her feel uneasy, even some of the girls made her want to run and scream.

This was the first day, of many painful ones.

___

After lunch and the less then interesting gossip the girls spilled around, Blair was more then exhausted and she still hadn't ate anything. Just drank some water. It would eventually catch up to her. Blair needed to stop all this crazy and get back to so-called normal.

But she couldn't. Not with everything spinning through that head of hers.

____

By the end of the day Blair was ready to go home, lock herself up in her room and maybe scream into the pillows a few times, with some sobs here and there.

But before she had a chance, she saw her best friend walking out of the school's entrance doors, and waving.

_And officially, I'm hated by someone up above._

"BLAIR!"

Serena was breathing fast when she reached Blair, as if she'd been running a mile or something.

"I'm so glad I caught you before you left."

Blair smiled and gave her a quick hand raise, meaning "Hi", just with hand gestures instead.

"I'm sorry, I didn't call you over the weekend or anything, Dan and I just had to work some things out and all. You know with those secrets coming out lately about my mom and his dad, I mean seriously how am I suppose to take having a brother or something related too him, I just need to breathe for a few moments, and register everything, you know."

Blair was walking a steady pace followed by Serena ranting, she was still shaking, everyone was coming out now, including the guys, and she was ready to run, with screams following close behind. But she couldn't, her best friend would notice something that blunt she thought. Well at least she thinks she would.

"Blair… Blair? Are you even listening?!"

"Yeah. Sorry, my heads just you know, somewhere else. But go on, you need some time to think about it all or something S."

Blair finally spoke, showing Serena she was listening, by re-phasing what she had just said seconds ago.

While Serena continued on her rants, thoughts, what ever they were. Blair put two and two together, that Serena didn't know about Nate's visit yesterday, thus meaning, Nate hasn't talked to Serena, or has but didn't tell her. She let out a small sigh of relief. But still wondering why he didn't or hasn't told her about the freak out_._

_I mean logically thinking, Nate would tell Serena, I mean right…?_

She was somewhat surprised, that her best friend couldn't tell her behavior was off, but it's Serena, so it makes sense. _Then again she is going through a lot_, Blair thought; _I mean with Lily and the whole "You have a brother with your boyfriend" stuff… yeah it made sense, not to notice your friend's weird behavior._

That hurt Blair oddly enough, she could always tell when Serena was upset, and being different, but Serena couldn't. Even when she had stuff on her plate, she always noticed.

Blair's train of thought was cut short when, she heard no more of Serena's voice playing in the background; she looked to her side, seeing her best friend, looking off into the distance towards the bottom steps of the school out to the road. Blair's eyes followed, only to see who other then

Chuck Bass

, leaning against that black sleek same old limo, looking impatient as ever. Tapping his foot against the pavement, as if it made whatever he was waiting for to come quicker.

"Oh and I forgot to mention…. Chuck moved back in and is now legally my step-brother or something along those lines, and right now I have to go tell Eric the limos here to pick us up. BYE!" Serena darted in a completely different direction practically running, but trying to pull it off as speed walking. Waving an "I'm sorry, I didn't say anything earlier." wave.

Blair hated that wave, but what she hated more was she was _stuck_, she couldn't move, her breathing picked up, and her palms got clammy, the trembles came back, and the fear washed in. The only thing missing was the screaming, the running was coming most defiantly in a few moments or so though.

But right before she was going to work up the bravery to run, he looked in her direction.

Staring.

Yeah…The running was coming.

Just as soon as her feet would work!

____

"_Don't Panic."_

TBC...

* * *

**A/N: SMILE GIRLS! IT WAS CHUCK! haha.. Now, I wonder what will happen next, no seriously I have no idea. ;) Ok so what did you think? I thought it went ok, I mean for her first day with loads of familiar faces and stuff. Serena, I know she isn't the bestest best friend in the world, and she should of noticed her best friend falling apart, I mean for goodness sakes Nate did, but Serena's a little confused lately herself with everything, I'll give her that. **

**Anyways, sooo.. you get the flowers kinda now? I actually loved that chapter, I mean writing it atleast, the next is going to be tough to get through, but I'll do it. You all are amazing with your reviews, I thought you all deserve another THANKS! Tell me what you thought, Motion City Soundtrack, I listened to a BIJILLION times over and over for this chapter.. also The AARs. They always give inspiration. Well when doesn't music haha.. **

**Soo.. I would love to know what you thought, and the only way I can know is with your reviews, sooo I'm implying you should review HAHA!**

**  
Hope you liked it! Thank you so much for reading! Oh and for the readers who just recently added me to their favorite authors, I am so grateful, that is beyond SWEET!!! I'll try to update as soon as I can.  
**

**PS: The quote is Douglas Adams.  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl.**

**A/N: Ok, I'm making this short, because I took forever to update this chapter, and I'm horribly sorry! I just didn't know how to handle this chapter, then I wrote it all out, and I loved it, but the next day the whole chapter was deleted from my laptop. So I had to re-write it. It's not the exact same as the first draft I did, but I guess its similar. I had to post this before 2.17, so I did. Thanks for the amazing reviews!**

**This isn't beta'd, I didn't have enough time. So I apologize ahead of time for any mistakes I missed.**

**ENJOY!**

* * *

"Chuck!"

Nathaniel with his perfect timing, he gave Blair a small endearing smile while he headed towards Chuck, as if saying "I'm giving you a quick out. _Take it_!"

And she did just that, took it. Blair gathered herself together as best as she could and blew past Chuck and Nathaniel, but before getting out of ear range she heard Chuck's late reply to Nate.

"Nathaniel, could you have any worse timing."

Nate chuckled.

___

Nate looked back to acknowledge what Chuck was talking about, the figure of a fleeting Blair Waldorf. He smiled knowingly, almost like he knew she was going to run for it the first chance she got.

___

Chuck let that smile irk him more then needed.

"Please, you were staring, didn't look like working things out to me. Neither did it seem like time being used wisely, for _either_ of you."

"Yeah, well it takes _time_."

Chuck was annoyed if Nate just left him alone for a few more minutes he would have said something to her, at least went to her with his sad, lost eyes. Just try to apologize for it all. Again.

He was being consumed by his own thoughts. He hated these quiet dark nothingness thoughts. They never seemed to end.

"Chuck!" Nate tried to get his attention

"Get your head out of your ass man... So, have you tried apologizing yet? You know for the whores, drugs, and pretty much everything you've done in the last few weeks…make that in the last year or so actually."

He knew that Nate had a certain tone about the whole subject. Nate was pissed at him, but still being his best friend, as he should.

"Well if you must know I already tried, but seems she's not into forgiveness nowadays. Which really if I thought about it, I could blame that on you partly."

Maybe because of Nate's attitude, Chuck decided he wanted to blame Nathaniel for some of the after affects his mistakes had been causing. Even if Nathaniel wasn't really to blame for any of it.

Nathaniel scoffed.

"My fault…! What did I do? It's not like I forced those whores or drugs in your lap. That was your uncle. Who didn't force, but _offered_. So how am I to blame for her unforgiving choices?"

Chuck was pissed now. He didn't need to be reminded of his uncle's betrayal or existence. Neither did he want to remember his mistakes. So Chuck kept trying to point out Nathaniel's part in this whole fiasco.

"You screwed her up before I even got a chance Nathaniel."

The moment those words left Chuck's mouth he regretted them, but wouldn't take them back. Because he was still consumed with his own thoughts, he couldn't stop.

When Chuck looked up at Nate, Nate's face was burning red. Kind of like when he figured out about the, I slept with your girlfriend thing last year. His fists were clenched, and when he saw Chuck looking at him he forced his fists in his coat pockets. Almost ruining the coat he was wearing.

"All I'm saying is she forgave you endlessly and you screwed her over every time. So no wonder she won't forgive me, you made her sick of 'I'm Sorry'."

He noticed Nate lost some of the red on his face that it had previously, but that his hands were still dug into his coat pockets.

"I won't say I wasn't horrible to her... but at least she never walked in on my mistakes. Which they all were _mistakes_, every single one. And that's the past; I wasn't in love with Blair, neither was she. It's different; I mean it doesn't justify those mistakes. I'm still trying to make up for all of them Chuck. Which I will, eventually."

_Mistakes, everything single one. That's what they were…mistakes._"Whatever you say Nathaniel, It still can be partly blamed on you."

___

Nate was done playing best friend.

"Chuck you fucked up! Which isn't that big of a surprise, but what did you do that fucked it up more then usual? I mean in the past you didn't show in Tuscany, because of some blonde ass chick, and then bedded countless whores in Bangkok. So, whys this worse then the rest? Why is this time unforgivable Chuck?"

___

Chuck didn't want to say why, because he already knew he was an ass, he didn't need Nate reminding him of it.

"Come on Chuck, what did you do this time, I mean you called her a horse before and among other things, but why isn't she letting up? I mean Blair's pretty good at over looking things."

"Nathaniel, just leave it, whatever ever I did or said, doesn't matter. It's done. I can't take it back now."

Nathaniel could feel his anger creeping up. It was just moments before he would attack Chuck, he knew Chuck did something, and he thought that could be why Blair was being, well not Blair.

He felt the urge to knock Chuck in the jaw, but held himself back by fisting his hands and keeping them lodged in his coat pockets, even if his hands were starting to hurt from his nails digging into his palms.

"Chuck you can be so idiotic sometimes! I mean come on what did you do?!"

" I just, I might of blamed her for everything that happened, with the board members and them even being there, and maybe I commented on the whole playing wife thing."

Nate was finding it very difficult to not kick Chuck ass right there and then, but he forced his hands in harder to his pockets and dug his nails into his skin deeper.

"Commented?" Nate's voice came out more menacing then planned, he could hear it.

Chuck looked nervous, at least that's what Nate thought, he knew Chuck didn't want to tell him and was trying to pass over it.

"Well in Blair's own words ' I made wife sound like the ugliest word in the world.' "

Nate was sure his face must be blood shot red by now, because he felt it. Chuck was making this really hard not to attack him. Instead of attacking him with his fist he tried with his words.

"So, the visual pain wasn't enough you needed to verbally hurt her too...-"

It wasn't a question.

"- You can be so fucking ridiculous Bass! I mean seriously! Maybe you should stab her with a freaking knife, and then you can add physically hurting her to your fucking list!"

Nate was beyond angry, there wasn't an exact word for the anger he was harboring. He kept pacing back and forth ranting in front of Chuck, while Chuck leaned against the limo, with an aggravated look, as if thinking everything over.

"Ok! I get your point! I fucked up, like you haven't Archibald."

The line was crossed way before this, they were in to deep too just stop. They were on a last name conversation now, that never led to good things, neither had front school conversations, next to limos, about _this_ girl. It would be classified as déjà vu to both of them, if physical attacking started.

"Yeah in the past, I did! I would never do any of that to her again, and I'm sorry and feel horrible for everything I've done to her. I'm still trying to make up for it all!"

They both stared at each other, equally unsure. Neither of them knew what the next step of this conversation was going to be.

Nate decided it was better to talk calmly then let the silence lead him to physically attacking Chuck.

"So...you apologized?"

"Yeah...but like I said she wasn't very forgiving about it."

Nate scoffed.

"And you find that funny how?"

"Well can you blame her Chuck, if you haven't noticed Blair's issues are all our fault, and that ass Marcus's too. I mean how much can a girl take, drugs, whores, step mothers-"

"Don't forget best friends." Chuck added.

"My point is made, see we've fucked over Blair so many times..."

Chuck just had to smirk.

"That's not what I meant, Chuck."

He couldn't stop the smile on his face from appearing; even when things are on a serious note, Chuck can always find a pervy out look on it.

"What I was trying to say is we've messed up so many times, and Blair is finally done."

The smirk vanished on Chuck's face.

Chuck knew that line all to well; he had been replaying it over and over again in his head.

_I'm sorry, but I'm done._

"Yeah I guess so Nathaniel."

___

"Yup, one person can only take so much, who would of guess the time she decided to be done, would be about a wife insult. Not the fact that someone cheated on her, or lied, but just...just the wife"

"Who's wife?" Serena was standing with Eric looking tall and skinny as ever, waiting for a reply. With an interested Eric by her side.

"Serena, Eric hey."

"Hi Nate, so what's this about a wife?"

Nate looked shamelessly guilty, and quickly diverted his eyes to the cracked sidewalk.

Eric must have noticed and decided this was something he wanted to pry into.

"Earth to Nate and Chuck, why are you guys talking about wives? You decide to head to Vegas with Vanessa or something Nate."

Eric chuckled at the statement he made, and Nate gave a small forced laugh.

"No Eric, no Vegas for Vanessa and me."

Serena smiled.

"Well that's good, you're too young"

Nate once again forced a laugh. Chuck was silent.

"Ok, seriously what is up with you two?"

"Nothing." Nate quickly answered.

"Nothing...... Nathaniel Archibald, what are you not telling Me."

"Serena, nothing."

Eric decided he wasn't letting Serena give up that easy.

"Nate, just tell us."

Nate let out a long sigh, and Chuck quickly diverted his eyes elsewhere. Afraid of what might come out of Nathaniel's mouth next.

"It's just Blair."

"How does Blair have anything to do with insulting someone's wife?"

Eric questioned. Serena lost her smile and quickly brought her eyes to a guilty looking Chuck Bass.

"What did you do now!?"

"Didn't Blair already tell you" Chuck questioned; he looked surprised that Serena didn't already know.

"Tell me what? I've barely talked to Blair the past couple days." Serena was becoming aggravated.

"Serena, Chuck didn't do anything, he just.... Ok he might have made a bad comment about Blair playing wife."

Chuck glared at Nate; Nate knew exactly what Chuck was saying,

_Thanks a lot Archibald._

_____

Chuck couldn't believe Nate just told Serena of all people, and before he knew it he felt a pulsing pain on his arm, it was from Serena's purse. She had hit him

"Oww! What the hell!"

"You idiot! Chuck you're a complete ass hole!"

Serena was fuming, but before she could continue yelling at Chuck, she saw Eric walking down the sidewalk from the corner of her eye.

"Eric! What are you doing?!"

Eric yelled from a ways down the sidewalk.  
"I'm walking home! There's no way I'm sharing a ride with _him_!"

___

Chuck wouldn't ever say anything, but hearing Eric's words made him feel even worse, because it just told him again how bad he fucked up.

"Chuck... I can't even deal with you right now."

Serena looked unsure of what to do next, but she started chasing after Eric trying to catch up. Last thing Chuck heard was her calling after Eric.

"Eric! Wait I'm coming with you!"

That's when Chuck diverted his eyes back to the sidewalk, and let his thoughts take him over again.

Nate didn't let him think for long.

"Sorry. I know it wasn't my place to tell them, but you know how Serena gets."

"It's fine Archibald."

Nate and Chuck stood there for a while, just standing.

"Well, Nathaniel you want a ride?"  
Chuck opened the limo door and waited for Nate to answer.

"You sure there's enough room?" Nate chuckled.

Chuck glared.

"Too soon?"

"Just a bit Archibald"

"Sorry."

Nate entered the limo and Chuck followed after, when the door closed behind them, Nate spoke up.

"Don't you find it odd?"

"What?"

Nate was fiddling with his knuckles.

"Well, don't you find it odd that she didn't tell Serena?"

"I don't know Nate; I mean you heard Serena she's barely talked to Blair lately."

Chuck's face twitched when he said her name.

Nate nodded.

"Yeah I guess so. Its just I don't know it seems odd."

"To tell you the truth Nathaniel, I really don't want to talk about it; I'll be getting enough of this when I get home. I won't be surprised if there's a Vander woodsen ambush waiting for my arrival."

They both forced a laugh at Chuck's statement.

"Yeah, sorry about that."

"As I said before, it's fine Archibald"

They both stared out their windows for awhile, it was starting to become awkward silence, but they were use to it. Chuck decided he didn't like his thoughts they were not something he wanted to be in right now.

"So, what's up with you lately Nathaniel?"

Nate turned towards him.

"Well, my cousin is coming to town, for a wedding or something."

"Oh, weddings..."  
Chuck leaned back against the leather backseat of the limo and released a stressful sigh.

"Yeah weddings. I think you'll be getting an invitation sometime soon."

It couldn't be denied Weddings were never uneventful for these two; they both let the memories fill their heads, even if they didn't want them to.

_**Weddings oh how wonderful.**_

___

"Eric! Would you slow down!"

Eric stopped walking and looked at his sister breathing rapidly.

"Sorry."

"Its fine…do you know you speed walk like crazy!" they both laughed.

"So... what was that back there?"  
Serena gave her brother a caring look.

"I...I just can't believe him. Hearing he hurt her again, it... it just made me... Serena I don't know."

"Awe, Eric I know."

They both stood there for awhile just taking in all of just what happened.

"Oh my gosh! Eric, I'm horrible!"

Eric looked at his sister's distressed face.

"What?"

"Blair! After school I was talking to her, I dumped all my problems on her, without even thinking or seeing how she was! I'm the worst best friend in the world!"

"Serena no your not. You just have a lot on your plate, it's understandable. You can check on Blair later today, or tomorrow at school. Don't worry I bet she's fine. You know Blair, she's well… she's Blair."

"I guess so, uh Eric, I just feel horrible"

"I know me too. It will be ok Serena. I promise"

Eric put his arm around his sister's shoulder and they both started walking down the sidewalk.

"Thanks."

Serena leaned her head on her brother's shoulder, while they walked the rest of the way home in silence.

___

_"You're born, you die, and in between you make a lot of mistakes"  
_

_**TBC...**_

_

* * *

_

**A/N: Ok, so there's chapter 7. What did you think? It wasn't my favorite personally, and I want to apologize again for taking so long to update. I know there wasn't much Blair in this chapter, but I wanted to show what everyone else was seeing and thinking. Also I wanted to make up for making Serena so oblivious in the chapter before! Uh, surprisingly Eric was the most fun to write, even though he was barely in it. I just adore him. I would love to know what you thought, soooo... review! lol. Thank you all so much for just reading my story, it means the world!**

**I promise to try and update much sooner next time. **

**PS: The quote is ****Anonymous**.


	8. Chapter 8

**Diclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl.**

**A/N: Ok, sorry this took awhile. My first warning is the first two line of this chapter is re-said in it later on, the reason for that is too show you its still the same morning, and just help you understand whats all going on. I just thought I should mention that. Ok onto some details, this chapter was kind of not planned to go the way it did, but I just kept typing and it worked out. I actually know how I'm doing the next chapter, like where its starting off at. So hopefully I can update it sooner then. I'm sorry for the long waits, its just I started a new elective "Introduction to Screenwriting" and well lets just say I wasn't thinking when I picked it, but I still love it. HAHA! Hopefully I finish up all my homework soon, so I can just write a few chapters out, that would be lovely! Anyways I hope you all like this chapter, there is a few flashbacks, their in bold, and italic. So hopefully that all makes sense, I wanted to say I LOVE YOUR reviews! I wanted to give a big THANK YOU to all the reviewers, the long reviews are AMAZING, as our the small! They all mean the world to me so I would love if you reviewed this chapter too, lol. I hope you like it.**

**This chapter is not beta'd, so heres my apology for any mistakes. "I'm sorry if I missed any mistakes, seriously sorry."**

**ENJOY!**

_

* * *

_

_Breathe… _

_Open your eyes… _

When she opened her eyes, the sun coming in through her windows made her squint. She hated the sun in the morning, but loved it for covering the dark.

She had another nightmare last night, this one was more…._vivid_.

**Painful and Repulsive**.

Two words that describe him perfectly.

One thing she did get from the nightmare, was why she wasn't wearing her trade mark headbands anymore, he liked them. He even said so. It was the first thing he commented on when he saw her. "_Cute headband, it suits you." _He said it like he was being playfully innocent she remembered.

She cringe thinking about it. So she diverted her mind else where.

Today was a new day; Yesterday's walk home from school didn't go well neither had the rest of it.

___

_**She screamed.**_

_**It was an accident, really. The guy was just walking and having a conversation on his cell phone, but he wasn't paying attention, and Blair was keeping her eyes on the sidewalk while walking. So no one was really at fault, but the second his body went into hers, she felt her muscles tighten, her knees buckled and then the screaming started. A lot of people noticed. The guy tried to help saying,**_

"_**I'm so sorry. Are you ok, what did you hurt?" he was panicking.**_

_**Blair was on the ground by then and stopped the screaming. She had composed herself and counted her breaths. She by some miracle had gained enough strength to get up and run away. She didn't want to see his face or the faces staring, the sympathetic eyes, or the disturbed ones either. **_

_**By the time she got home her body was only trembling. Dorota noticed though, and made her eat something, thinking it was just lack of nutrition. After shoving the food down her throat, she hurried to her bedroom. The sanity was sure to be lost after so many hours. **_

_**She stared at that fucking ceiling forever…. But after awhile forever ended and she heard shuffling coming from downstairs, and then Dorota calling "Miss Blair!"**_

_**Blair panicked, what did Dorota want, she had no idea. She didn't want to know really, she much preferred being left alone, unless forced to leave her room. But she knew she had to figure out why Dorota called, so she got out of her bed unhappily of course and walked slowly to the door. Grabbed the knob and turned. The walk down the hallway was slow, and long. Well it felt like that, her head was throbbing painfully too, she hadn't noticed that till now. She found that odd, maybe the insanity and stress was getting to her. She decided it was best just to forget, no need to think things over, when you'll never find the answer. When she reached the top of the stairs and looked down she saw Dorota waiting patiently. **_

"_**Yes Dorota?" she had asked.**_

"_**Miss Serena stopped by, I told her you weren't feeling well. I thought you would like to know."**_

_**Blair shrugged and waved her hand in the air, telling Dorota, "Yeah that's fine."**_

_**When she turned around to walk back to her bedroom, that she greatly regretted leaving, she was stopped short, by another "Miss Blair!" from Dorota. She turned around and looked back down at Dorota.**_

"_**Yes?"**_

_**To Blair, Dorota looked nervous, almost guilty, this peaked her interest.**_

"_**Well Miss Blair. A few days ago..."**_

"_**Yes?" Blair was getting impatient.**_

"_**Mr. Chuck stopped by."**_

_**Blair froze, she could feel her legs buckling, and her body trembling. She grabbed onto the banister for support. She needed Dorota to leave, not to see her like this. **_

"_**Thank you Dorota, for informing me... What time?"**_

"_**Excuse me?"**_

"_**What time did he stop by?"**_

"_**Well… I think right before I came into your room when you hadn't showered, cloths nasty. You remember."**_

_**Blair's heart raced fast, she knew she heard perfectly paced breathing that day outside her door, and she knew she wasn't crazy, and that wasn't Dorota… It was Chuck.**_

"_**Ok, thanks Dorota." She waved Dorota away. **_

_**Dorota gave a small nod and headed off towards the kitchen.**_

_**Her head was spinning, and her body was giving out, she needed to sit down, so she settled for the top of the stairs and sat. She slid her hand down to the middle of the banister, needing something to grip. To help keep her in reality, and in some type of control still.**_

_Chuck was here, outside my door, why?_

_**Last time they had talked was that heart failing elevator conversation, it wasn't making any sense. Why would he come and then not even knock or ANYTHING.**_

_**Her body was shaking worse then it ever had, even when she took that first step into the world after the attack, or when she was hit by that stranger on her walk home. She wasn't sure why it was so much worse, but she guessed it had to do with her mind or heart, the way Chuck and her use to be, how they touched, how they loved. She felt a small tear sliding down her right cheek; she caught it before it hit the floor. Chuck knows every inch of her; of course her body would react to him differently. She loves him.**_

_**Did. **_

_**As of this moment she couldn't love, she was broken, beyond repair.**_

_**Her breathing was pacing steadily now, her hands were still shaking, but she could control the rest of body, she just needed help from the rod iron banister to help her up. So she used the banister to lift herself up, and turned back towards her bedroom. **_

_**The rest of the night was tossing and turning, holding her eye lids open, she didn't want to sleep, and she knew if she did another one of those nightmares would be sure to come. But she was too tired to keep her eyes open. In the end sleep won.**_

_**___**_

_Yeah Yesterday… not the best day._

Blair had woken up before the alarm clock went off, because the nightmare was so horrifying, she got out of it quicker, her little heart was pounding rapidly and again she had the sweat drenched all over her.

_Breathe… _

_Open your eyes… _

She untangled the sheets that were tightly wrapped around her; they had been her only protection. Blair then got out of bed and went into the bathroom for a shower and just an ounce of relief. Even though she knew she wouldn't get any of that relief.

_**___**_

The shower took longer then she wanted, after having that nightmare she wanted to clean her hair aggressively, she felt like he was running his hands through it again, and ripping the headband off, which ripped a few locks out. Those images made her need the shower's wall for support. She ignored the tears, by acting like they were just the water from the shower. She could always feel him, everywhere. He was the shadow following her, and the thing she hated most was she let it all happen.

_**She didn't leave that night, she stayed, she was hurt after her dad had left a few days ago and everything was burning up in flames she wanted to escape. Like she did last year when she broke up with Nate, she went to her escape, with Chuck that night her relationship with Nathaniel ended. Just to have some kind of relief. She got that last year, regretted it at first, but would never take it back now. **_

_**This time she didn't have Chuck to run too, instead she went else where, some party she heard about. Stupidest thing she ever did, she didn't realize the guy had been eyeing her all night, but when he came over he looked like a comforting sweet smile, someone to talk too. Someone to comfort her, she was naïve at that moment and somewhat intoxicated. She was just so lost, without having Yale and her father's unconditional love and trust, not having Chuck, losing everything! She needed something, and he was there in front of her wanting her, she felt needed. Something she hadn't felt in awhile, so she let him talk to her, flirt, and even touch her, but only sweet, soft touches, nothing vulgar. She regrets that the most. He tricked her, made her feel special. And she allowed it, how sick and pathetic she thought.**_

The water was starting to change temperature, and she didn't want to feel cold, so she shut the shower off and grabbed for a towel. Wrapping it around her and walking out of the shower, leading to the mirror. She decided to look, seeing dark circles underneath her eyes; at least she didn't look as bad as before, not much better though. She looked over herself and saw marks, his markings. That's when she walked away, and started to get dressed.

It was a slow process getting dressed; she put on undergarments and then looked for stockings. She wanted her legs covered, so she settled for blue ones, dark deep blue. Then grabbed herself a skirt, a longer one, again. After that she moved onto a blouse, she decided on a white one with long sleeves and some ruffles on its sleeves. Then she put a blue soft button up coat on. Last, but not least the shoes. Heals, low heals, but still heals. They were blue.

She looked herself quickly over and then worked on her face, not much makeup just foundation, mascara and blush. She didn't want to look in the mirror long, so she worked quickly. After the makeup she looked at her hair, brushed through it a couple times and then braided a part of her bangs and clipped them up. She didn't even look over her headbands, she was going to tell Dorota to throw them all out, that she didn't want any of them in her room when she got back from school. That was something she was sure of, and glad to get rid of, she was mad though, he took that away from her, and she didn't want him taking anymore. It wasn't fair, he didn't deserve this much satisfaction.

She decided she looked decent and she just wanted to get this day over with, so she grabbed herself a purse and headed towards the door. Grabbed the knob and turned.

___

Dorota haad seemed shocked that Blair wanted all her headbands gone, but only for a moment or two, she nodded her head and told Blair to eat.

"Miss Blair! Eat up! You need it."

Blair gave the food a disgusted look, and then slowly began picking at it, only eating the grapes. The rest she wouldn't be able to stomach, she drank some of the water in front of her, and then told Dorota, she was done and going to school.

Dorota looked at her disapprovingly.

"Fine I'll eat the bagel on my way to school, Happy."

"Very."

Blair gave a forced smile, and then headed towards the steps, she wanted to curse the elevator, but ignored it instead. She took two bites of the bagel and then disposed of it in the trash can at the bottom of the stairs. She pushed the stair's door opened that led to the lobby, she made her way across the lobby without any problems, hurried past the door man who held the door open for her, and then walked slowly out onto the sidewalk, heading towards school. She had been about thirty seconds away from the entrance of her building when her thoughts got interrupted.

"Blair!"

She turned around slowly, to find Serena catching up to her. All she could think of was running, running far away and fast, but Serena would most likely follow, and then have a billion questions, so she stood there waiting.

"Hey B, I was just coming to get you, I thought we could walk to school together."

"Hey Serena, yeah walking together would be nice."

"Good."

They both started a perfectly timed slow paced walking in the direction towards the school. It went quiet for awhile all that could be heard was the cars, and the people around them. No talking amongst the too.

"So……" Serena was trying to make conversation it seemed.

"Yeah?" Blair really didn't want to hear about it, whatever it was, she was just trying to relax, and make sure not to tremble or look panicked. But she was, panicking she was sure if this walking so closely to Serena didn't end soon she was going to start having a freak out reaction. She was doing well so far holding it together; she just didn't want anything to go wrong.

"Ok, I know you probably don't want to talk about it, but Chuck…well Nate actually told me about what happened. You know up in the office, and with Chuck."

Blair's heart raced… _Chuck_. She quickly pushed those thoughts of him aside, and was confused_, Why would Nate tell Serena, and how does Nate even know! I guess… he should I mean he is Chuck's best friend. Chuck._

This Chuck thinking had to stop, it wasn't helping her keep it together in front of Serena.

"Oh." That's all she could think of saying, Oh.

_Good one Blair._

"Yeah… Are you ok?"

Blair panicked; she didn't know how to answer that, was she ok. No she wasn't how could she be with everything that happened, she was afraid of being in close proximity with her best friend, her body trembled every time a guy was too close. That's not really classified as ok. So she wasn't sure what to say, she didn't answer Serena. Just continued walking.

"I mean with what happened with Chuck, are you ok?" Oh more Chuck thoughts. She was relieved Serena wasn't asking in general if she was ok, because she didn't think she could lie to Serena. Luckily it was only about Chuck, she could answer truthfully.

"Yeah, I'll be ok; I'm still alive aren't I." That was probably the only positive thing Blair could say without saying a complete lie, She was alive that was fact, but she sure as hell didn't feel it.

She gave a small laugh. It had to be the fakest laugh ever heard to mankind. But it must have fooled Serena, because she didn't seem to notice the fakeness of it.

___

Serena cringed mentally at Blair's laugh; it was the fakest laugh she ever heard.

She chose not to comment on it, because she didn't want to offend or make Blair say something she didn't want to talk about.

_Chuck really hurt her, he's such an ass. I couldn't even chew him out, stupid idiot didn't come home._

Chuck left a message on their answer machine, saying "Not coming home tonight, Nate's."

That was it, nothing more; he must have known the ambush waiting for him at home.

Serena just wanted to hug her best friend, and make all her pain go away, but she knew this was something Blair had to deal with; it's just how it works. Serena decided that she would keep walking to school with Blair though, just so she could give some company for this week. Last night all she could think about was talking to Blair, so she decided to go over to her house last night, as Eric suggested, but sadly Dorota had said Blair wasn't feeling well. So failed attempt at being a friend, _again_. After no Chuck coming home either, she just went to bed and planned on going to Blair's to walk with her, and she did, that's how she ended up here, with Blair by her side.

"So… how was your weekend?" that's all she could think to say, she felt horrible, no comforting words or advice, just 'how was your week.' _UGH!_

_____

'How was your weekend' what a shitty question, how could she answer this one, without panicking or lying, well she could tell the truth, " It was the worst fucking weekend of my life, if its possible I would say I died this weekend, but I'm still here so its not. I would have rather been shot then gone through what I did this weekend, I would rather be burned, stabbed _anything!_ But instead I was just raped."

But Blair didn't say any of that; instead she went with the short words, which kept her from lying to her best friend.

"It was nothing special. Just another weekend." Ok so that wasn't really the truth, but it wasn't a full out lie, it wasn't special that was fucking sure, and it was another weekend, so technically she didn't lie. _There that worked_.

But after saying that to Serena, Blair's mind started thinking, why did she care if she lied, I mean she didn't get it, she wasn't telling her best friend she had been attacked, felt like dying, and was at her lowest point possible in life, but she was worried about not lying to Serena.

_What the fuck!_

This whole thing was just so fucked up, but she didn't want to tell Serena that, so she didn't.

Finally they made it to the entrance of the school, it seemed like Serena was going to try and say something else, but let it go.

Blair spoke first.

"Ok, well I guess I'll see you at lunch." She really wanted to get this over with. Get away and go to class, and just finish the rest of this fucked up day.

"Ok, lunch." Serena gave a small squeeze on Blair's left hand, and walked away with a small comforting smile.

Blair was so fucking grateful Serena walked away at that moment, because if she didn't she would of saw Blair's hand shaking, surprisingly she did get an odd comfort out of that squeeze by Serena, it made her feel protected. Almost like her blankets did back in her bedroom. The comfort vanished just as fast as it came, once she saw all the people surrounding her, that's when she felt in closed and unprotected again. She hurried off towards her first class. Hoping that it would all go smoothly for her and the feeling she had in her stomach would leave, as she hoped the one in her heart would too.

___

"_Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down"_

**TBC…**

* * *

**A/N: And thats chapter 8 for ya people! What did you think? I thought it went over ok, lol. I know it was lacking certain characters, like all the boys! But I thought it explained alot too, I mean I told you kind of how it happened, theres alot more to the story of Blair's rape, but I didn't want to give it all away in one chapter! Thats crazy lol! Well I'm happy I got Chapter 8 posted and I hope you enjoyed it, and the only way I'll know if you did, if your reviews hahah, sooo idk review! If you want of course, I would never force you too. ;) Next chapter will be starting off in School still, it will be the same day. I won't say where in school, but you can guess. Your guess is probably as good as mine. hehe. Ok the protectected odd feeling Blair gets with Serena, well just keep that in the back of your head. Protection. And no I'm not talking about condoms! lol! Ok I think thats all, hope you liked this chapter, and I promise more boys the next! lol! Because we love our boys!**

**PS: The end quote is by Robert Rouse.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl.**

**A/N: This is going to be a short A/N. I'm sorry it took me so long to update, I've been wrapped up in reality. This chapter isn't that long, but it served the purpose I needed it for, to setup Chapter 10. Which will be probably the longest chapter yet. I wanted to say thank you for staying with this story, and just being so loving it means the world to me. The reviews also really mean alot. So just THANK YOU so much!**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

She was waiting, procrastinating.

Blair was in the hallway, it was lunch; something she was hoping would end quickly. She promised Serena this, lunch.

So while she was in the hallway she looked out over the courtyard seeing her best friend waiting for her, at the middle table. The sun's light seemed to be hitting Serena perfectly as always. It seemed like nature bent for that girl, maybe even the world. But Blair couldn't find it in her anymore to care, to be jealous of the looks, or attention, all she could be envious of was how Serena had protection and that clean feeling, no one had tampered with her.

No one was with Serena at the table; the minions were most likely on the steps. There was only a few people at the other tables, that made her a little uneasy, but she pushed that aside and forced a smile. As she walked over to Serena and the table, Serena put away her cell phone and smiled raising her head.

"Blair. Hey! I almost thought you weren't going to show." Serena seemed worried, truly.

That made Blair feel worse, she didn't like doing this to her best friend, her S. It felt wrong.

"Its lunch, S. No reason not to come." Blair chuckled.

"Yeah…I just, lately…you've been a bit distance, that's all." Serena tried to smile, as if this seemed all casual.

Blair sat on the table's bench and set her books and bag aside. She knew what Serena was saying, because she knew it was true. It wasn't time yet she thought, _this, here, this isn't the right time or place._

"Both of us have Serena, it just happens sometimes. I'm busy with Yale and other stuff." Blair was horrible at this covering up stuff, she really hated it all.

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry about that, not being around and there for you. Just Dan, My mom, Rufus, it's been a bit much for me. But that's no excuse I'm your best friend, and you should be able to tell me about anything, including Chuck things. I mean…not "things"… just you know." She gave a small laugh.

Blair wanted to smile, to say she's understands her friend's absent, and everything is fine. She wanted to tell Serena, she has no reason to apologize, and that she's the best friend she could ever have. But she couldn't, all she could think about was the bodies around. She couldn't stop thinking about everything that hurt, her body, heart, and head. Every movement and touch, emotion it all hurt.

. It wasn't Serena's fault; it wasn't anyone's but … _mine._

_All mine. All stupid MINE!_

She was letting it all get to her, and this wasn't the time to let it. A single tear came out and made its way down to the bottom of her chin, just laying there. She didn't want to wipe it off, not because she wanted anyone to see, but because that tear said it all. Just not exactly in the right way.

"Blair? B you're crying." Serena got up out of her seat and sat by Blair's side wiped away the tear, the one that said it all, and sat by Blair's side hugging her.

__

Serena held her as tight as she could, she didn't want to let go. She wanted Blair to feel her warmth and her love. To know she wasn't ever going to let go of their friendship, their love. She wanted to make all of Blair's pain go away, but she knew it was impossible, a heart is impossible to fix. Unless fixed by the breaker.

_And of course Chuck is in his own little world. Chuck… is this really all just about Chuck._

"Blair. If he's hurting you this bad… you should let go." She brushed Blair's hair out of her face, and put the hair behind her ear.

She saw something spark in Blair's eye, but not the spark she wanted. It looked like Blair just went into a panic, or dream state. She wasn't even looking at Serena, but through her. Serena could feel her grip loosening on Blair, both the physical one and the emotional one. She couldn't stop it.

___

_Let go…' if he's hurting you this bad'…let go._

"_**You should really just let loose**_**, **_let go__**. Be more adventurous…"**_

_**She scoffed "Adventurous, I don't think so."**_

_**He nudged her shoulder "Come on. Adventure never killed anyone...I promise."**_

"_**And, how good are those promises?" She was teasing. He couldn't get that smile off his face, she wasn't sure why, but it made her feel unsettled.**_

"_**Very good..." he smirked "I promise you won't forget tonight… If you do then, well my promises aren't that good."**_

_**She chuckled. "Fine, if I forget tonight your promises are horrible; if I don't well then I guess they aren't."**_

_**He looked to the bar tender and motion for another drink. Two drinks.**_

_**His eyes met hers , and then a shiver ran down her back.**_

_His promise was…good._

"Blair?" Serena was just there sitting and watching. She tapped lightly on Blair's hand, to get her attention.

"Sorry." Blair's voice was strained, and rough.

"Blair, I'm sorry, that wasn't my place just to tell you wh-"

It felt like a car crash everyone immediately got up from their seats once the bell was heard. It felt like Blair had been hit or crushed by something. The noise terrified her, and the movement by all the people, made her shutter. Serena took a quick glance at the clock, and then turned back. She just missed the shutter; with a quick glance at the clock she missed it. What did it matter, Blair was already dead to herself. Who cared if Serena saw the death too.

"That seemed like a fast lunch…I guess we should get to class." Serena gave a frown. As if she wanted… needed more time.

"Yeah." Blair nodded, stood up and grabbed her things.

"Afterschool, my house. You know… some girl time?" Serena looked like she was begging.

Blair looked down at her feet, and tightened her hold on her books that were guarding her chest. "I can't… Eleanor's latest escapades come to end today. She'll want me to be there for the welcome back committee." Blair forced a laugh, she was thankful she found that excuse quick enough, but then it hit her…. _Mom_. Another body to talk to, and pretend too.

"Oh… well then, tomorrow. We'll walk to school again together." Blair didn't hear the questioning in that. She knew Serena wasn't asking, she was telling.

"Ok, yeah tomorrow." Serena then stepped forward wrapped her arms around Blair, in a hug. Blair felt safe, her protection was back.

With her face nested in Blair's hair she spoke "_Tomorrow_." She then released Blair and walked to class.

Blair's protection vanished.

Blair took a deep breath and looked around gripping her books close to her body.

_Just get through this. This day, I can tackle tomorrow…tomorrow._

With that thought, she walked off back into the hallways and to her next class. Counting her breathes and each step. Each one took longer, and more out of her. When she reached her classroom door, she hesitantly grabbed for the knob and turned. She walked into a brightly lit room full of other people, other bodies. It was just another room, to call hell.

____

_"It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head."_

_**TBC...**_

* * *

**A/N: Chapter 9 finished! Ok, I just want to say THANK YOU again for reading my story, and if you want to review that would be lovely! You don't have to though. Again thank you all so much. Chapter 10 will be a pivotal one in the development of the story. So hopefully you'll all like it when I finish that chapter. **

**PS: The quote is Sally Kempton.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I do not own gossip girl.**

**A/N: I can't say much more, then... this took a really freaking long time, and I'm sorry it did. I hope you like this chapter, I had a hard time getting it finished. Writer's Block was cruel to me.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Blair arrived home after school with no accidents on the way, she took the stairs instead of the elevator again, that was going to be a frequent thing.

She knew her mother would be arriving soon, back from the honeymoon, so she ran off to her room, to prepare herself for it.

Inside of her room, she leaned her head on the closed door with her hand on the doorknob and her other hand flat palmed on the door. She waited for her body to calm down, it was just another anxiety or fear that developed over the week after the attack, she couldn't walk down a hall or up stairs without thinking someone was following, or waiting to pounce on her, so she always walked a bit quicker to her destinations.

Breathing at the door Blair let go of the doorknob, backing away and finally turned to bed, she fell on it with exhaustion. Even with getting sleep, she still wasn't actually getting sleep. She looked at the ceiling with squinted eyes and then looked over at something that was perking into her eyesight from the corner. On her nightstand leaning against her clock was a piece of paper. At first Blair jumped, not from the paper itself, but the fact that something was here, that wasn't before, it caught her off guard.

Relaxing again, Blair lifted her arm and reached for the piece of paper, touching it felt weird. _Is that weird? I mean it feels like I haven't touched anything different for so long, it's been bed covers, doors, and books._ Holding her back from the rest of the world, that even touching something that wasn't in her routine of fear, was shocking. This fact, made her rub her fingers along the edges of the paper, hoping to feel a piece of world she couldn't feel anymore. She hated feeling as if she was confined, and knowing it was only her that was creating the confinement. Fighting yourself is a surrendering battle.

After running her fingers over the edges she looked to the writing on it,

TOGETHER WITH THEIR PARENTS

MR. AND MRS. STEWART

MR. AND MRS. VAN DER BILT

Maureen Stewart

&

Tripp van der Bilt III

REQUEST THE PLEASURE OF YOUR COMPANY

AT THEIR MARRIAGE

SUNDAY, THE NINETEENTH OF APRIL

TWO THOUSAND AND NINE

AT SIX O'CLOCK IN THE EVENING

ST. JAMES CHURCH

NEW YORK, NEW YORK

Blair overlooked the invitation again, she knew this was going to be given out to everyone, everyone that mattered, and she panicked, her mother would be seeing this, hearing about it, and demanding she go. The last thing she wanted is too be in a room full of bodies, some drunk and emotional. All she could do was stare at this piece of paper, which was sure to give her nightmares.

Eventually she threw it on her bed, Blair couldn't look at it any longer, she heard her mother's voice echoing through the halls for Dorota, she went to her door and looked back one last time at her bed and the contents on it, she then turned the knob and exhaled walking out the door, closing it tight behind her.

Each step down the hallway felt prolonged and almost amplified. And when she came into view, and saw her mother standing there over her luggage and a small man, Cyrus, both smiling and to giddy for words. Blair tried to look at them and take in what they had; complete and utter happiness, but it did nothing for her. Her mother caught sight of her and then the act began.

"Blair! My dear, come here let me see you."

Blair walked over and watched as her mother's arms were stretched out towards her, Blair wasn't sure what this was, but she reluctantly opened her own arms and possibly hugged her mother.

"I've missed you Blair" she pulled back and her mother looked her over, Blair didn't say anything, she just kept a blank stare.

Cyrus finally spoke up "Come here, don't I get a hug?"

Blair turned to him and was already locked in a hug type of thing with Cyrus before she fully turned, when pulling back, Cyrus responded "Not enough!" and then again embraced Blair, she was grateful they cared. But she didn't like this, she couldn't take people touching her, so when Cyrus had gone in for the second hug, Blair had a hard time keeping from shaking, she had never felt more of an urge or need to throw up then now, she pulled away harshly.

"Excuse me, I'm feeling a bit uneasy; I'm going to head to bed if you don't mind."

"No no, go right ahead, we'll tell you about our honey moon adventures when you're up to it." Cyrus said while pulling Eleanor towards the kitchen.

Blair found herself tripping over her feet while she ran to her bathroom, she swung open her bedroom door, and then slammed it shut, not looking back, she ran into her bathroom, slamming that door too, her body collapsed by the toilet, where she led her fingers to the back of her throat. Finally she let it out, the sounds following the pool of yogurt with some fluids, really there wasn't much to let out, but it was still something. She kept forcing her finger to the back, even when she was completely empty she kept pushing, she felt as if something more needed to be out, she scooted closer to the toilet and then after thrusting endlessly, she started coughing, and blood followed, she looked at her hand.

The next thing she remembered was watching the floor turn to the ceiling. Her head was headed for the floor, hitting hard and both hands lying on each side, one with blood on it, and another tightly gripped in a fist.

"_Get up." He wasn't harsh with his words, it wasn't even a demand, it was just a comment of some sorts. _

_Blair was still on the bed motionless, her naked body was only covered by a thin sheet that he tossed over her after being done; she curled up into a ball after it was over and stared into nothing. The room was dark and the only light coming in was from underneath the door from the hallway. You could see when people were walking by a small shadow went over the light for a few quick seconds._

_He came to the bed again, after getting dressed. Leaned in and kissed Blair on her ear, whispering "Tell me who won the bet sometime."_

_After grabbing his jacket he opened the door and Blair squinted from the light, just as quick as he came, he was gone. The door slammed shut and Blair twitched from the loudness of it. After a few minutes of feeling completely dead, she felt a chill coming from the vent below the bed, she threw off the thin sheet that was covered in him, Blair wasn't on those covers, something she would probably never take pride in. When she was off the bed, standing naked there, she swallowed hard and gathered her clothes putting them on even with their tares. She walked out the room not looking back. Taking a cab home, watching out the window as life was still going, and hers had just ended minutes ago. _

Blair opened her eyes to find the bathroom ceiling above her, she stared and then tilted her head, lifting her hands to her face, tears were coming out, she felt her head and dry blood was there. A moan escaped her mouth and then she lifted her body up, she felt dizzy and slowly looked over everything, only bruised knees from how she was sitting over the toilet leaning on them, and a bloody hand. That's not too bad, she decided to scoot her way to the tub, so she could lean against something.

She didn't know how long she was passed out for, or how long she was leaning against the tub, but she just couldn't find the strength to care about time or any of it. She stared at the toilet and the blood on the floor, after awhile she could feel a stinging every time she swallowed, which was most likely cuts from trying to relief herself previously. Blair grabbed the side of the tub for help to stand, and slowly straightened herself upright, a bit wobbly she made her way to the shower, and turned it on, stepping in with all clothes on and stood there with one hand on the shower handle, each drop hitting her. She raised her head up and let it rinse her face, letting out a breath, and then dropping her head. Looking over herself, she slowly pulled off her now soaking wet clothes. Blair let the blood go down the drain, as she slid down the side of the shower into a sitting position. A few minutes and then she'd get out.

Twenty five minutes later she finally stood and yawned grabbing for the handle shutting off the water.

Getting a towel and stepping out, she looked over the floor and saw the blood dried up on the white tile, she dampened a towel from the sink and cleaned the floor. Throwing the blood stained towel away, she left the bathroom, and slowly got dressed into night clothes.

Heading towards her bed she saw the paper, **the invitation**, she stared at it before falling into her comforting bed, she just laid there with her stomach flat on the bed and her head smothered in the covers, she felt exhausted. Pulling her blanket out from under her, she covered herself, tangling it in between her legs, and holding it like her protection she fell into a dreamless night. One night of sleep was what she got, just this once.

____

_"One trying to escape from sleep is surely deprived from the escape sleep offers."_

* * *

**A/N: Its about 3:24 in the morning.. meaning its Wednesday, I'm exhausted and instead of going to bed like normal people did hours ago, I'm gonna work on my exam essay! WOO. Anyways that doesn't apply at all to the story, so let me get back on track here. I hope you liked the chapter, review if you so choice too. Either way thank you for reading! I really can't explain how much it means that you take any amount of time out of your day to read my "writing", if it can really even be called that. Just thank you so much!**

**PS: The quote is yours truly (meaning me, lol).**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I do not own gossip girl. (shocker!)**

**A/N: I haven't had a moment to myself this summer, its been work, family, work, family and then more work! Also I didn't finish up my school work till the middle of the summer, so free time was never really there. Sadly my writing got pushed to the back burner, but luckily the summer is ending and I've got a bit of time to myself, when I say bit I mean major bit. So what did I do with that time... that time being around 3 in the morning, I wrote fan fiction! lol what all people should do instead of sleep. So without anymore boring introductions or lame excuses to why I'm a horrible updater, enjoy Chapter 11!**

**PS: I have to thank Rachel (sunkissedgardenia) for beta-ing, she took the time out of her day to help me and I am grateful!**

* * *

Blair was enveloped in black, not a fearsome black, but just a blank black nothingness. She was finally getting the first sleep she had since the attack. But as quickly as that beautiful black nothingness began enveloping her, it ended. Blair was jolted awake by distant noises entering her sleep. She sat straight up in bed, stiff as a board, goose bumps and shakes taking over. As she waited for the voice of someone or a noise similar to the ones entering her sleep, she clawed at her sheets, holding them to her chest as if they'd save her from what was to come. But before Blair could grip any tighter, her door came flying open and she screamed and screamed and screamed, gripping her sheets, closing her eyes. She was waiting for it too all happen again, for his arms to be enveloping her, his hands to be plastering her to her own bed, his body to be covering her from all air and escape; she was waiting for him to take everything from her again, but this time everything would be the nothing she had left.

"Blair!"

Blair opened her eyes to her name.

Al l she saw was her best friend wincing from pain that her shoulder now had piercing through it, and her door that was broken off the hinges, dangling there by only so little.

"Serena!"

Serena held her shoulder and walked towards Blair. She looked at Blair with concerned eyes that only a best friend could wear.

"Blair, are you alright?!"

"I'm... I'm fine; I can't say the same about my door! What the hell, Serena, you gave me a heart attack!"

"You're fine!? But... you weren't at school; I waited for you in the morning; we were going to walk together, remember? I've been calling you all day! I got scared."

Serena didn't want to say she'd been worried all week about Blair; she could see her best friend ticking like a time bomb, as if all her emotions were about to explode, and she couldn't believe this was just Chuck's doing. She'd thought Blair was relapsing the whole day at school; it made Serena feel like she'd failed her best friend. She was originally going to ditch classes till she realized her mother would be there today because of her committee involvement.

"School… I missed school. Sh*t! I overslept. Serena, I'm fine, I just needed some sleep that's all."

"Oh. Well I'm glad you're alright. I was worried; you've been acting weird lately."

Serena sat on Blair's bed and grabbed her into a hug, gripping her best friend as close as she could without hurting her shoulder. She was always worried she'd lose Blair at any second, because of her bulimia; she hated that she couldn't help Blair anymore than she had already; she wanted to fix her best friend, but only Blair could fix herself. She knew that it was Blair's internal battle.

Blair's protection was back for a second; she knew Serena cared and it showed by the busted door in front of her.

"So worried you went all crazed and flew through my door," Blair cracked a small smile.

"Ok I'll admit that was a bit much, but you weren't answering, and I panicked… At least you know I'm willing to break down doors for you." Serena fell back on Blair's bed and stared at the ceiling thanking God that Blair was fine.

Blair got out of bed and headed for the bathroom. She loved how she could be normal with Serena, but hated that it felt as if she was faking. Which she was in a sense, Blair Waldorf was so far from being fine.

Serena was still lying on the bed. "Now that I know you're ok, we should do something tomorrow; you know it's the weekend and we haven't had enough time to really even talk lately."

Blair didn't like the idea of doing "something"; she felt sick thinking about what Serena's usual nights consisted of; it made Blair want to release organs in her toilet.

Blair washed her face in the sink; when she raised her head, she avoided looking in the mirror. She hated the mirror; it never met her expectations. Blair grabbed the wash cloth that sat on the sink and dried her face.

"We could meet up with Eric and go to Butter, if you want. Then maybe head to some of my usual…" Serena realized going out and getting wasted wasn't the best way to comfort Blair with whatever she was going through. "…or we could always watch the classics. You know like we used to, spend all hours locked up in your room with Miss Hepburn and Dorota's coo…." Serena stopped short.

Blair looked up from the wash cloth she was cleaning her face with. She froze staring at Serena and what she had.

Serena was standing in the bathroom door frame; she was holding a towel that was covered in dried blood. It was the towel that Blair had cleaned the blood stains on the floor with last night.

"It's... I."

Blair looked like a child struggling to sound out words, but wanting so badly to get it, to speak.  
Serena walked closer to Blair and looked at her friend with the most sincere eyes known to man, but with a hint of fear brimming them.

"Blair, just tell me what the hell is going on? What is this?!" Serena was holding the towel with disgust.

Blair still didn't know what to say, or how; she just stared blankly at the towel, cursing herself for leaving such an obvious thing in the trash.

"Blair! Tell me. Why did you really miss school? Why are you acting how you are? I've ignored this long enough. I'm your best friend; you can tell me anything."

Blair looked up at Serena and walked towards her, ripping the towel from Serena's hands and throwing it back in the trash can, where it should have never left.

"Get out."

Serena's face dropped; she felt the same way she did two years ago, screaming to hold on. She could only stare at Blair, the closet thing she had to a real sister. She couldn't believe what was happening or understand it, but she wanted to, she needed to for the girl in front of her.

"Blair.... I can't. Not till you talk to me. Just tell me, you know you want to. I know you do. Please, I can help, B."

Blair took in a huff of air before she turned her head to the side, and wouldn't look back at her best friend.

"Get out, Serena."

"I'm not leaving."

"Then I'm calling security."

Serena's eyes became big with hurt. She didn't want to budge; she wasn't going to, this was Blair, anyone else and she would have let go, but not Blair.

"Blair! Why can't you talk to me?"

"Serena! Get the f*ck out! Now!"

Serena started to tear up; she walked to Blair and grabbed her arms, trying to reassure her that she could confide anything in her.

"Blair, I'm not leaving."

Blair was in panic, Serena was gripping her arms too tight for comfort, and she lost that little protection she could find in Serena, Blair's body began shaking and before she could think it over, she pushed Serena off her and out of the bathroom, screaming at her to leave.

Dorota came rushing in, she had never heard so much screaming before, the second Dorota laid eyes on the unhinged door and the girls she came to a halt.

Blair saw Dorota and instantly demanded help from her.  
"I want her out, Dorota!"

Dorota stared, confused, at Blair; she couldn't believe the anger dripping from Blair and the request she was asking.

"NOW!"

Blair gave Serena one last shove so she could walk back into the bathroom and slammed the door, locking it while she leaned against it.  
Waiting for the moment when Serena would just get the hell out.

Dorota looked at Serena, she saw the blond frozen in place, looking more hurt and pathetic then a lost puppy.

"I'm sorry Miss Serena, but she said... I must ask you to leave."

It took Serena a full three seconds to wipe away her tears and blow past Dorota with her phone in hand ready to dial.

____

_"The truth is a snare: you cannot have it, without being caught. You cannot have the truth in such a way that you catch it, but only in such a way that it catches you."_

_**TBC...**_

* * *

**A/N: I want to thank my readers! Everyone who takes the time to review and just give me their opinions, criticism and love, I am grateful for all of it. It means so much to me that people take the time out of their day to read my writing, and I feel like I don't give enough thanks. So THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH! If you want you can review, I do love reviews and appreciate them, but please don't feel like you have too. I hoped you enjoyed Chapter 11! (If you have any questions, I'm always willing to answer.)**

**PS: The quote is by Soren Kierkegaard**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own Gossip Girl.**

**A/N: An update. woo! lol. Sorry about my updating process, I really don't plan these chapters out. I have pages and pages of crappy writing involving this story, but it just doesn't work, it sounds to fake and over the top. So I pick out pieces from each page and kinda form them together. In shorter terms I don't plan my writing it just kind of happens. That kinda explains my pitiful updating. I do at least have one chapter planned, not sure which one it is number wise, but I have it planned. lol. Just need to get to it. Well... I guess I should let you get to the reading of the chapter. Hope you like it. :)**

* * *

Serena left Blair's building dialing and re-dialing over again.

He wasn't answering; she decided he never was going to. She was pissed pacing back and forth on the sidewalk knowing if he knew the circumstances and who they involved he'd answer his damn phone. Without a doubt she knew that.

"Dick."

She decided while walking in the Palace's direction she'd try her second choice.

She waited two rings before they answered. "Nate?" she said his name with strain, as if hoping he hadn't answered. Serena had no idea what she was planning on saying; she wasn't sure how to approach this.

"Serena hey... Are you alright? You don't sound good."

"I… Nate, its Blair. I'm worried about her."

"Why, did it happen again?"

Serena furrowed her brows. "Did what happen again?"

"I…," Nate sat up on his couch tense, realizing he hadn't told anyone anything about Blair's episode. "I meant... Serena I should have told you this right after it happened, but I thought I could handle it. I mean sure I didn't really handle it, or even take a second crack at handling it, but I was goi-"

"Nathaniel! Get to the point." Serena's grip on the phone got dangerous.

"Sorry. Well I visited Blair a week or so ago looking for you and she acted a bit out of it."

Serena was getting impatient. "Out of it how?"

"I don't know, like… like me being there was hurting her." Nate really couldn't explain it correctly.

"Nate, I don't mean to hurt your ego," Serena's sarcasm was livid "but Blair's moved on."

"Serena, no! I don't mean it like that. I mean like me being with in her proximity was _physically_ hurting her. I can't explain it that well, but she just seemed scared or about to explode with something. It wasn't right."

Serena knew oh to well what he meant. She didn't like the thoughts running through her had at that moment…

"Serena?"

"Serena!"

"Oh. Uh, I'm getting a taxi Nate, I'll call you later."

Before Serena hung up she released some of her bottled up anger. "By the way Nathaniel, next time something involves my best friend, You call me! Don't try playing hero, you're no good at it."

"Serena wait-"

She hung up. She didn't care what he thought or had to say anymore. She was pissed, even though she wouldn't admit it out loud; it wasn't Nate who she was upset with, but really her self. It was the fact she ignored all the weird behavior from Blair and that she didn't take time to look at her best friend to see what was happening. That it took a bloody freaking towel and missing school days to get her attention.

Blair didn't need towels or attendance worries, all she needed was one glance at her best friend or one listen of her best friend's voice to know she had to do something, to fix something. That she had to be hero Blair for her damsel in distress Serena.

Serena grabbed a taxi and practically shouted "Palace now!" in the driver's ear.

She didn't care.

-

"Serena!"

"Damn."

Nate threw his cell phone on the couch; he took a deep breath dragging his hands over his face.

He felt like walls were closing in his head, about to combust. He wasn't a hundred percent sure what he was going to do, but he was going to do it.

Nate got his phone back up off the couch and grabbed his jacket. He went out the door slamming it shut behind him.

-

Blair sat in her bathroom ignoring Dorota's pleas and eventually told her to screw off.

She held her hand threaded in her hair and looked at the tile.

All Blair could see in her head was Serena's broken expression and that towel blaring in her eyes.

"How stupid!"

Blair kicked her feet around on the ground.

She bit by bit was screwing up.

She knew she had to get up and out of here. Just for a little.

Her mom would be back from her meeting with another buyer in an hour, and Blair wasn't ready for fake chit-chat.

She pushed her self up off the floor and left the bathroom.

-

"What the hell do you mean I can't go up?"

"Exactly that. You **can't **go up to the Waldorf's penthouse. You're not welcomed. The Waldorf's no longer give you permission to visit. Now do you mind people are waiting behind you."

Nate was about to grab the bigger built guy and slam his mocking tone, prick attitude on his pansy protection desk, but he didn't need to. In the corner of his eye he saw her exiting the elevator.

When he turned and actually got to fully look at her, it wasn't right. It wasn't her, she looked like hell. She still looked perfect, but not the way she usually did. She looked cold, there wasn't a smirk that knew it was above all else, or those devilish glinted eyes staring up proud and sure. Instead they were plastered to the ground with sorrow filled flat lips to accompany. Her hands looked so forced into her pockets as if they were on the edge of untwining each thread.

He felt wrong looking at her like this, like some over analyzing douche. He wanted to call for her, to help her, but he wasn't sure what to say or what to help her with yet.

So he stood there, as she left the building. He couldn't believe he hadn't moved. That he just let her go.

He finally yelled.

"Blair!" as he sprinted towards the now closing doors.

When he went outside, he looked in every which way; he couldn't see her anywhere, not down the sidewalks or crossing the streets. He leaned his head back up towards the sky with his hands lying on top of his head running through his hair.

He finally dropped his head and started walking down the sidewalk just hoping he might come across her.

After awhile he gave up, and went back to her building. He stood out front against the brick wall waiting for what felt like forever, but was really only an hour or two.

Nate decided to give up camping out and hailed a cab to the Palace.

Hoping half-heartedly she'd be there.

-

"Chuck open up!"

No answer.

"I know you're in there. For crying out loud don't' make me bust my second door today!"

"It's about Blair... I'm worried."

Still no one.

"Come on! Would you just open up!"

Serena continued to yell and bang on the door. "Prick!"

"You know you look ridiculous."

She turned reluctantly.

Chuck was standing close to the elevator with his signature smirk.

"Where have you been?

"Out."

"Well does being out make you deaf to your phone?"

"Not necessarily, but what I was doing while I was out could make me somewhat incoherent."

Serena closed her eyes annoyed with his over used pervy boy talk.

"Can you not be _Chuck Bass_ right now?"

"No. Sorry." sarcastic as usual. "So sis, what do I owe the yelling and banging too?"

"Blair." Chuck twitched at her name. Still hit hard, but the hits never lasted long.

He found his cold exterior quick.

"Aren't we over this, I mean it's been awhile since the whole "wifey" comment debacle. I'm sure she's moved past it. So Serena, would you stop trying to be miss fix it and go be the latest train wreck in some other country."

"You are a completely self absorbed dick." Serena walked up to Chuck's face and spoke with what you'd call a Bart Bass like tone."This isn't about what you did for once. It's about Blair having a major melt down and then kicking me out of her penthouse! And I'm guessing putting Nate, you and I on the Black list."

Chuck stood there with an unexplainable look, not shock, not anger, but almost... Nate perplexed. The look that says "I don't think I heard you right."

"So I'm guessing she isn't here then." Both Chuck and Serena looked to see Nate standing in the hallway impatiently.

____

_"We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault."_

**_TBC..._**

* * *

**A/N: I hope it was alright, I thought it was time to make the trio aware of "something" happening with Blair. I mean they can't be blind to Blair's behavior forever. Well they could, but that wouldn't be any fun. lol. If you have any thing to say about the chapter or questions either leave it in a review or email me. I'm always happy to talk. Thank you to all the readers and reviewers! **

**PS: The quote is by Ashleigh Brilliant.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl. **

**A/N: I had this chapter done last week, but I wanted to get it beta'd. Sadly I couldn't, I contacted three different betas and no luck, either I got no replies or their busy. So I want to just say before you begin reading this story, it is not beta'd and I'm sorry if you find any mistakes. Thank you to all the reviewers and readers you all are amazing! I can't believe your sticking with the story and enjoying it. THANK YOU SO MUCH.  
**

** Enjoy!**

* * *

The moment she heard her name being called from behind she ran as fast as she could down the sidewalk. She wasn't in the correct shoes to be doing this, but she kept running, avoiding shoulders and arms pathetically, she could feel her heart beat in her head, pounding every second, harder and faster. Her feet were aching and her face was cold, she couldn't breathe correctly, because every intake of air was a slice at the back of her throat.

She let everything sink in as she slowed down her running; she was close to the park and decided to head in its direction. Thinking that sitting by the lake would help her relax.

-

"What are you doing here Nate?"

Chuck looked between the two blonds, with envy of the fact they both knew more then he did about her. He could tell just by the way Nate said "she isn't here." that he was aware of something Chuck wasn't. Some how whenever Nathaniel said anything about something that involved her it had a different twang or attitude. It was always half love or bitterness when he mentioned her name. Maybe it was more regret and self loathing Chuck thought. He'd prefer that than love.

Nate wore his heart on his sleeve, and it was sometimes gag worthy to witness. I mean love letters, self- sacrificing, and heart pins. He's more like a love sick puppy, than a man.

Chuck was clawing onto anything that was a flaw or at least seen by him as a flaw of Nate's. Which was petty, he knew that.

Nate stood his ground against Serena's question, he was sick of her attitude right now. "Well before you went all tyrant on the phone and hung up you said you were heading to the Palace. So I decided, why the hell shouldn't I make my way up here too. "

"I'd rather you hadn't."

"Well I did Serena."

Chuck could only take the back and forth parent bickering for so long.

"Am I sensing a small tension between you two? Should I go inside and let you go all wild like two immature children out here. Not too wild though I mean we do have a meltdown crazy girl to go take care of."

"Chuck she isn't crazy!" Serena defended.

"Fine she isn't crazy, just a bit loopy."

Nate bit his lip, he'd rather not get into an argument with Chuck about what Blair is and isn't.

"You can be so childish."

"Well whether I'm childish or not, we do have to go deal with her. Right?"

Serena was second guessing coming here; she hated how Chuck handled things.

"I guess." Serena knew Blair needed to be dealt with, but she wasn't sure if Chuck was the one to be doing the dealing with.

"No, not I guess. I want either a yes or no. Because I have things I could be doing other then listening to you two bicker and deal with a girl who might just be having her time of the month."

"Yes."

Serena and Chuck both looked at Nate asking "What?"

"I'm saying yes, we need to go take care of Blair. Chuck this isn't some girl thing, something's wrong, really wrong. So let's just take care of it, ok?"

Chuck looked at Nate for a few seconds and decided he believed this was serious; his girl was in trouble with something. He didn't mean his girl, he meant his friend. Or that's what he tried to convince himself he said.

"Fine, let's go inside then, hallways can be some what public."

Serena wasn't finding his humor, humorous. Though she still followed Chuck into his room along with Nate.

-

Blair sat on a bench in the park for over two hours, she hadn't cried or moved once while she sat, just stared blankly at the lake and trees as the cold air hit her face. It made her feel "not there" almost dead completely, she did tense up every time someone passed, but it was late in the afternoon and the weather wasn't friendly enough for many people to be walking around.

As it got darker, she knew she had to go back home, or at least get inside somewhere. She didn't want to get up; it felt right to waste away here. To waste on a bench cold and lonely. She'd prefer that then having warm arms wrapped around her telling her every thing is alright, when it wasn't.

Blair never cared for pity or fake comforts, she found them sicken to listen to.

As she took her last look of the park, she let her face fall into a breaking one. And her hands lay in between her legs just hanging there. She couldn't see the beauty in this place anymore, the lights didn't look as if they were glaring off the water like life was beneath, and the leaves blowing past her like a movie scene looked crumpled and ugly. Everything was flawed in her mind.

She stood up and walked away without looking back.

-

"She's not going to answer Nate."

"Well you could at least try."

"She'll see it's me and ignore it. "

"Then call as an "unknown" number."

"She's not going to answer."

Nate and Chuck were annoyed with Serena's excuses, for acting so ready to protect and defend, Serena was sure being weak. She could never be like Blair take charge and fix. Just wasn't her thing.

"Fine, if you won't call her, I will."

Nate tried to grab for the phone, but Serena pulled it back. "No. Nate she won't answer!"

"Well it doesn't hurt to try!"

"It's pointless."

"Serena what is wrong with you!"

"Nothing, I just don't want to waste time with this."

"It will only take a few seconds, if she doesn't answer we move on to something else. Maybe one of Chuck's ideas."

"We are not getting a P.I. on her! She isn't going out at night an prostituting on the street for crying out loud! She's just …."

"How do you know she isn't a Constance girl in the day, prostitute at night I mean with everything she knew how to do." Chuck questioned jokingly of course.

"Could you be serious for one moment?" Serena fumed.

"Chuck she's right, stop joking. We need to do something."

"Like what?" Chuck wondered out loud.

"Like… calling her maybe?" Nate pointed out.

"Ok." Chuck grabbed the phone from Serena's hand and called her.

He still couldn't refer to her by her name… even in his head.

"Chuck!"

Serena stood there with hope that Blair wouldn't answer. She just wasn't prepared or ready for this to become reality, for her to fix Blair. She wasn't sure she could. She didn't want to fail her best friend… again. It was all selfish thinking.

"No answer?"

Chuck told Nate to shush.

"Hello?"

…

"Yes."

…

Oh… Well do you know where she is?"

…

"Ok. When she gets back could you tell her I called… or actually just tell her Serena called."

…

"Thanks."

Nate and Serena waited for Chuck to say something.

"It was Dorota. "

Serena let out a small sigh of relief she wasn't ready for this all to go down yet. She needed to think this out thoroughly.

Nate fell back on one of Chuck's lounge chairs. "Did she say where Blair was?"

"No just that she's been out for hours."

"I should have looked longer." Nate told himself.

"What?" Chuck looked at Nate confused.

"Oh… I forgot to mention before I came here I stopped by Blair's… but I wasn't allowed to go to up to see her. We're all the on the list I'm guessing. "

"She really did that?"

"I already told you she did Chuck." Serena said from the bar stool she was sitting on now.

"Yeah I know, but I didn't really believe you." Chuck pulled his hand over his jaw line.

Serena scoffed. "Why not?"

"Because you over exaggerate situations Serena."

"I do not!"

"You can."

"Would you both just shut up. Can we focus on what were going to do." Nate yelled

Chuck walked around the bar carelessly grabbing for whatever was closet.

"Were not going to do anything. " Chuck said.

"What?" Nate stood up at his comment.

"This will pass, she'll be fine tomorrow, and then rah rah rah." Chuck had no ideas of how to help her, so he settled with saying this was just another meltdown, like every rich girl has frequently in their life. Even if he knew it wasn't true.

"Chuck this isn't just some "thing" Blair's doing for the day. She's not alright and I don't think she's been for awhile." Nate defended.

"Chuck, Nate's right. I mean if Blair was just having mood swings and meltdowns then sure, I'd say it would pass, but the towel."

"Towel?" Nate was beyond even attempting to understand what Serena was saying.

Chuck waited for Serena's reply.

Serena walked over towards the couch regretting what she said. She took a deep breath and then explained to the boys in detail what happened with Blair and her, with the boys asking questions here and there. By the end of Serena's reciting of the incident, they were all sitting in a circle like formation, Serena on the couch, and Nate and Chuck in the chair's on both sides of her, Chuck of course with scotch empty in his hand. As the three of them sat there without talking, they shared the same thoughts about the same person.

____

_"Every man alone is sincere. At the entrance of a second person, hypocrisy begins."  
_

_**TBC...**  
_

* * *

**A/N: I am so excited personally to write the next chapter. I finally decided chapter 14 will be the one I've been planning and thinking about for... well since the beginning of this story. I do want to give you all a hint or spoiler of Chapter 14 to hold you over for the wait, but not an obvious one, so I decided I'm going to give you two words that relate to Chapter 14. (The clue will probably make no sense unless you watched tv like an addict through the year 2000 or thoroughly search google to understand where the words come from. Probably even then it will be like WTF. Sorry. I thought it would be fun if people emailed or reviewed me with their ideas of what the clue could mean.**** I'm horrible, I know.) Thank you for reading again! Seriously you all are the best!  
**

**PS: The quote is by Ralph Waldo Emerson**

**Clue/Spoiler: "Dog's Peak"**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I don't not own Gossip Girl.**

**A/N: This is for Brenda, Happy Birthday. (This isn't what I originally had planned for 14, because some reviews for the story made me realize I need to explain each character's motives and actions a bit more. So 14 is not the chapter I've been dying to write, but 15 seems to be it now.)**

**This is not beta'd. I was going to ask one of my reviewers who offered to beta, but I realized I wanted to get this out before 12:00, so it still would be Brenda's Birthday. So sorry for any mistakes, I promise next chapter will be beta'd.**

**

* * *

**Nate, Serena and Chuck had spent most of their Saturday in Chuck's room talking, planning. They couldn't get a hold of Blair. Chuck and Nate even went to her place again to try and see her, but security escorted them out, so they planned to wait till Monday. Even though Chuck thought it was a stupid idea, which was probably because he still wasn't allowed back in school yet, and thought Nate and Serena wouldn't wait till after school to talk to her. He worried he wouldn't be involved with the plan, that Serena and Nate would do what they usually do, try to figure stuff out on their own and then screw everything up .

By the end of the night the three of them were lounging on the chairs and couches, exhausted with all their thoughts and emotions. As they sat there, they all ventured into their thoughts about her and why they were really doing all this.

**Nate** was never known for being the brainiest guy, instead it was for good looks and family ties. He wasn't that attached either, more so with girls. He always found himself in and out of relationships. When it came to breaking up with a girl; including Blair he lost all attachments to them. He never left the person with closure, just ditched. It was a guy thing. So his main intentions with helping Blair made him feel like utter shit, he wanted a piece of closure finally, like all the crap he did to her would feel as if it was forgiven and all the emotions still clinging to her would vanish. He wanted to be in the "right" for once, to make up for everything. Helping Blair seemed like a good idea, it would be helping someone he wronged, who wronged him with his best friend. He held that to tight, that grudge. He loved Chuck like a brother, but having something taken from him stung bad. He got to feel what Blair felt after figuring out about Serena and him. He didn't like what he felt and realized he still cared too much for this girl. He needed it to just stop; helping Blair get through one of her struggles would stop it… hopefully.

**Serena**, beautiful, perfect, goddess like, words people use to describe her constantly. She knew what most people thought of her, and it didn't bother her, not till she saw how badly it bothered Blair within their years of friendship. She loved Blair as if she was her sister. Nothing would ever change that, but why she was helping Blair, or trying to, was for selfish reasons. She wanted to feel as if she could fix something finally for Blair, to be there when needed. She wanted the guilt of ignoring her friend's problems so bluntly to vanish. She knew it was wrong, but she felt so much guilt not being there for Blair, and she needed it to stop, for it to go back to normal with them both.

**Chuck**, to put it simple, was Chuck Bass. He knew everything Serena said before was true, and that it was just getting worse as she went on. He knew what he said before about everything will be fine tomorrow and this is just another rich girl drama thing was wrong. He just couldn't figure out how to pick this apart, he knew he was going, but not how. He usually could come up with some extravagant plan to fix shit, but because of where he was at with himself and "her" he couldn't do it. Everything just blurred, for the first time he was at a loss. He needed to feel like himself again, and to do so he would figure out how to fix everything, everything with "her". Sure it was semi-selfish, but at the same time he wouldn't have needed to fix this problem with him if he hadn't of loved her. Chuck was still Chuck Bass, and he wasn't going to let that fade.

They all passed out where they were sitting, heading for a far from dreamless night.

-

Blair found herself looking in the mirror, she hated what she saw. Everything about it screamed save me. It was hard to watch.

She was wearing a colorful dress; Dorota said her mother had picked it out for her. It was ivory gold colored on the top with ruffles and black at the bottom. She didn't like it, to much skin showing. She could feel the air brushing her legs and it made her insides scream. Her bangs were pulled to the side pinned up. The shoes she was wearing were sharp heeled and black. It made her feel uneasy; it felt too noticeable, even by just herself.

The sun peaking through the clouds and her window was hitting her face, showing flaws more boldly. She'd been sitting in front of the mirror for over an hour now, not ready to move from her spot. She didn't want to leave, but she knew it was going to happen eventually. Her mother was going to walk in the door saying it was time to go, and she would follow because it was for show. It made everything seem normal, even though inside it was hell.

She closed her eyes sitting there and waited till it was time to leave. Time to perform.

-

Nate woke up first out of the three of them and looked at Serena's cell phone that was on the side table to see what time it was, and if Blair had called back. When he saw two missed calls he held his breath seeing who it was. It wasn't Blair. Nate groaned and rubbed his eyes. It was already late in the afternoon. Around 3:40, he started nudging Serena's knee with his hand trying to waking her up.

"Serena. Wake up….. Serena."

Serena slowly opened her eyes and pulled her hand through her hair. She looked at Nate, and then around the room. She saw the sun was coming through the window.

"What time is it?"

"Around four."

"Around four! " Serena grabbed her phone to see if he was telling the truth. She couldn't believe they slept in that late, she saw a reminder icon on the bottom of her cell phone screen and went into into the calendar to see why.

"Nate!"

"What?" He was walking over to the bar now to get some water.

" Tripp!"

Nate swung around to look towards Serena. "Oh shit!"

Nate grabbed his jacket off the chair and then quickly swung it on heading towards the door.

"Nate!"

He turned around to look at Serena quickly. "What?"

"What are we going to do?"

"About what?" Nate didn't have his head in the right place; he couldn't believe he forgot what was happening today.

"Blair, she'll be there." Serena said firmly has she sat up on the couch and pulled the throw blanket off her.

"Right. Blair. Uh, Serena I'm not sure. Just let me get my shit together, and then we'll figure it out ok."

"But Na-"

"I'm sorry, I need to go. Tripp and Maureen are going to kill me for not being at the church yet. Wake him up would you." Nate pointed at Chuck, and then went out the door leaving them.

Serena looked at Chuck and groaned. He was half off the chair, half on. It looked quite uncomfortable.

She didn't want to touch him, so she went to the sink of the bar and filled a glass of cold water in it.

As she stood over Chuck, she wondered what he was dreaming of. Then she cringed thinking about it and splashed his face with the water.

"What the hell!" Chuck opened his eyes and saw Serena putting the glass she just emptied on him on the side table next to his empty scotch glass.

"I'm leaving, thought I should let you know."

"How thoughtful." He stretched his arms while sitting, and watched Serena picking up her stuff and head to the door.

"Oh, by the way." Serena turned around to look at him with the door knob in her hand and the door half open.

Chuck looked at her and waited.

"Weddings at six." Serena walked out the door with a small wave over her shoulder.

"Shit." Chuck rubbed his hands over his face and then walked to the bathroom.

___

_"We would often be ashamed of our finest actions if the world understood all the motives which produced them."_

_**TBC...**_

* * *

**A/N: I thought because this isn't the "orginal" chapter 14, I should give another clue to what will be happening in the now chapter 14, Chapter 15. I know my last clue was a bit vague. lol. But whats the fun in a blunt clue. I will make this one a bit more easier.. I think.**

**Clue/Spoiler: "Acid, glass, speed, jo-jo, danks." (Really this relates more to the overall adventure its involved with, not the scene. lol I know this isn't much better then the "Dog's Peak" clue. Sorry.)**

**PS: The quote is by François de la Rochefoucauld**


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: I do not own gossip girl.**

**A/N: I hope you like the chapter, it's one of my favorites, to write atleast. :)**

**Thank you Brittany (BrittyKay247) for beta-ing this chapter for me. You're awesome!**

* * *

She felt the whole room. Her mother had practically dragged her into the reception - it was pretty - but it went unnoticed by Blair.

Blair hadn't gone into the church ceremony. Instead, she had locked herself inside the limo, saying that she was feeling light-headed. Eleanor and Cyrus offered to stay, but she had insisted that they go into the wedding - sending her best wishes. But after the wedding, Eleanor had come out and forced Blair to stop moaning and be presentable.

Blair sat at the table with a seating card reading "Blair Waldorf" on a plate in front of her. She had turned the chair so that her back was against the table – it made her feel more protected. Her mother had gone over to mingle with the guests, Cyrus following closely behind, so Blair's movement had gone unnoticed by the two. Blair didn't look at anyone. She may have been facing the crowd, but her eyes were glued to her hands - held together so tightly, it felt as if they were about to rip apart. She tried to block the people out, but slowly they trickled their way into her head, causing her to begin sweating and breathing heavily. Instead of her heart racing, it slowed. She could feel the slow ticking inside of her, and she wanted to cry, wanted to hug herself.

-

Chuck and Serena sat in the pews of the church with the rest of the guests, and they searched the crowd for Blair while the wedding was going on. They couldn't see her anywhere. Eleanor and Cyrus were there, but no Blair.  
Chuck tried not to think about her or where she was, but it wasn't easy.

Serena's heart dropped when Blair didn't walk in, she wanted to see Blair walk in acting perfectly fine. She'd hoped it would all just get better, but she knew that it wouldn't.

Nate stood next to Tripp, as his best man, but he knew that he wasn't being the best, best man possible. His attention was glued to the doors of the church, just hoping that she might walk in. Walk in… different. All he could do was stare at the doors, and feel the restless hope they brought.

-

As the people moved around at the reception – some dancing, some eating, others talking – Nate pushed through the crowd, avoiding the overly drunk ones. He tried to find Serena, but he couldn't see her anywhere. It came as a shock to him, seeing as the girl usually sticks out like a sore thumb with her legs and the attention they get. He was stopped by a few friends of his Grandfather's; you know the business and congress men who always seem to pop up when something involves the Vanderbilts. Nate gave distracted hellos and goodbyes to all of them.

He came to a stop when he saw her sitting on a chair turned out to the crowd of wedding guests; he tilted his head like a dog perplexed by a sound. He couldn't tell if he was dreaming of her being there, or if she was really there. She looked small – like the world around her was too big – consuming her. Nate stared unable to move closer.

Serena saw Nate from where she was sitting with Eric. She saw him staring like a lost puppy at something, and she followed his eyes before seeing what had his attention. That's when she got out of her chair, and headed towards him. She wasn't in control. Her body was taking over, telling her what to do and that now was time to do it. Eric looked at Serena with confusion; he called for her, but she didn't hear him.

She walked up next to Nate and then turned to look at Blair, hoping to see her smiling or at least giving a nasty glare – anything other than complete defeat. Serena's face dropped when she saw Blair staring down at her hands that looked particularly red from the tight grip she held. Blair was hunched over, and even with all the people around, Serena felt as if the room fell silent when she looked at Blair – as if looking at her like that had stopped the world from rotating. It made Serena want to pick Blair up out of the seat, and hold her till all was back to normal.

Nate finally turned to see who came up beside him, and saw that it was Serena.

"It's bad isn't it," he asked as they both looked Blair over from the distance.

Serena pulled her attention back, and looked at him. "Yeah." Her voice sounded weak and ready to crack.

"Yeah. We have to go to her." Serena nodded her head at Nate as he took her hand about to step forward, but they stopped dead in their tracks when they saw Chuck standing over Blair. Both of their eyes went wide and looked like they just saw someone get hit by a car.

-

Chuck saw Nate and Serena staring at her, and he saw what they saw. He decided, who the hell stands and stares? He was going to make the first move, like always. He walked over to her, his feet feeling like they had weights tied to them in the short walk. It shocked him to know how much this was scaring him.

"Waldorf," he called, but she didn't look up or say "Bass"…just removed her hands from their clenching position and placed them on her legs. He sat down, ignoring her behavior. "Waldorf? You deaf or something?" He glanced over her whole body and saw the small shakes going up her frame. He noticed the lack of color in her skin, and saw the marks where she'd been digging her nails into her hands.

"I usually like the girl silent, but this-

"Charles Bass, is that you?" Chuck looked up to see one of his Dad's old business partners. He reluctantly stood up and turned away from her to shake the guy's hand, and briefly talk to him.

-

Blair shifted uncomfortably in her chair. She couldn't breathe, and it felt like she was going to pass out at any moment.

-

Chuck finally said goodbye to the guy, and ran a hand across his forehead before sitting back down next to Blair.

He leaned back in the chair, sighing, and then looked back at her.

"You know you're looking a bit. Used." Chuck saw her flinch at that. He knew what he was doing, but couldn't stop himself. This was his way of getting to her. He knew what made her skin crawl.

She still didn't talk or lift her head.

He wanted to see her face, so Chuck slowly went to put his hand on her thigh. As soon as Chuck's fingers hit her skin - that's when all hell broke loose.

Blair started screaming. "Get off me! Don't! Don't! You ** ** hole! Don't touch me!"

She started pounding her fists on Chuck's chest, screaming "don't" over and over again, tears pouring out of her eyes. When she finally shoved Chuck away, she turned to the table behind her and threw her arms out over the table, pushing all of its contents onto the floor and around the room. She cried and screamed while doing so.

Chuck stared at her, pulling his hands over the top of his hair to the back of his neck. It was like his world just crumbled in front of him. His mouth fell open in a distraught way. He slowly put his hand over his mouth, just watching her. He didn't know what to do, or even how to watch this.

He looked around the room and saw everyone gawking at her, as if watching some amazing spectacle and it reminded him of himself– right after his father's death. He had destroyed his whole room in private that night. He didn't have people watching him self-destruct, and he wanted to grab her and hide her from the on-lookers, but his body was frozen in shock. His heart was breaking at the sight.

-

Blair felt her whole chest impact and "him" pushing her down, grabbing at her. She wanted to attack, to break everything around her, to create damage either on the outside or inside. She was scared that it would happen again, and not seeing anything in front of her, she just went insane. She hurt everywhere, and her insides felt like they were ruined.

She pushed everything off her table and flipped her chair. She kept swinging her arms around, trying to destroy everything in her path.

When she felt someone try to hold her, she pushed at them. They tried to hold her arms flat and turn her around, pulling her into a hug. They held her for a second as she flailed, and then finally escaped by shoving them back and walking forward.

Blair finally looked up, her hair in front of her face and tears streaming down her cheeks. She pushed her hair back, and stared at Serena who was standing in front of her. Serena walked up to Blair, grabbing for her. Blair left her hands at her side as Serena hugged her as tightly as she could. Blair just cried and breathed into Serena's shoulder.

-

Nate stood behind Blair, after he'd tried to calm her down, but was pushed away. He broke watching her. He had felt her shaking and flailing in his arms for less than a few seconds before she pushed him off. He had only a minute ago watched Chuck talk to her, and in slow motion, Chuck touched her, making Nate flinch and boil inside, but before he could react, Blair had, and now it was done.

-

Eleanor stared from the crowd of on-lookers. She couldn't move after what she'd just seen. Her mouth was wide open, and her eyes were brimming with tears. She had just watched her daughter break.

-

The wedding guests had fallen silent after Blair screamed "don't" for the third time, and they'd watched her fall apart, unaware of what was going on. It was like watching a car wreck – they just couldn't look away. Some people held their hands over their mouths, and others had tears in their eyes. Gasps were coming from every which way.

-

Serena couldn't let go of Blair – she wouldn't. She felt Blair's body calming underneath her hug, but what she had just seen scared her **-less, and she didn't want to see it happen again. Not to felt someone's hand grab her shoulder, and she looked back to see Nate standing by her. He told her to let go.

"Serena. We need to get her out of here, there's too many people watching this," he whispered. He tried to pull Serena off of Blair lightly, but she didn't budge.

"No. I'm not letting go," Serena said, hugging Blair tighter.

"Serena, don't worry. I'll have her. I promise. Just make way for me to take her to the ladies room, alright?"  
Blair just stood there leaning against Serena weeping. Her legs weren't giving her any support and Serena could tell. "Nate, she can't walk."

"I know. Just let go."  
Serena looked at him, fearing what would happen if she let go, but she did slowly, and watched Nate pick Blair up. He held her like a baby, and Blair wrapped her arms around his neck, hiding her face and tears in his shoulder.

-

Nate held her in his arms, pushing through the crowd with Serena's help. He felt Blair crying into his shoulder, and it made him hold her tighter and closer. He saw Chuck sitting down close to where the hell had just broken loose. Chuck looked like his world had just exploded. Nate continued to walk past him, pressing his face into Blair's hair whispering, "I'm here, I gotcha." His heart tugged every time he heard her choke on her sobs. He wanted to make it better – to make everyone forget what they just saw.

-

Chuck sat down in a chair close to where everything just happened staring at the floor. He didn't watch as Nate held Blair in his arms, he didn't want to see what he just did, what he created. In the background Tripp was yelling "Shows over! Get back to your own business people."

Chuck hadn't heard anything – just sat in defeat with his hands over his face. He could still see Blair's face flash behind his eye lids, and feel her pounding her fist over and over again on his chest.

-

Everyone slowly went back into motion, and began talking about what just happened quietly.

Eleanor was the only who didn't move in the crowd. She stared at the door Nate and Serena just went through with her daughter in arm. She didn't know what to do. Cyrus pulled her over to an unoccupied table, telling her to relax and to just be patient. Eleanor at first rejected the idea of relaxing, but finally calmed down and listened to Cyrus.

-

Chuck finally got up off the chair, rubbing his hand over his head, and then walked out of the room with his hands in his pockets.

"Freaking weddings."

If you were to look at him as he walked out, you truly could say you saw a man broken.

___

_"Now I know I've got a heart, because it's breaking."_

**_TBC..._**

* * *

**A/N: Leave a review saying what you thought of the chapter if you want, I'd love it. The clues can now be explained lol. If you can even call them clues. Dog's Peak was a journey the Cliffhangers(group of kids.) had to go on in the show "Higherground" for one of their teammates. During the journey up to Dog's Peak a character had a somewhat similar reaction like Blair. The whole freaking out thing, it's my favorite scene in the entire series. Great show. **

**PS: The quote is by Tim Woodsman.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: I do not own gossip girl.**

**A/N: I had a really hard time being ok with this chapter as I was writing it, but by the end I was pretty happy with it. So hopefully you'll all feel the same. I wanted to thank Brittany (****BrittyKay247**) for being an awesome beta again! Thank you!

* * *

Serena held the bathroom door open as Nate walked in with Blair. He looked around, and cursed the fact that there weren't any chairs to set her down on. After some contemplation, Nate finally kneeled down and gently placed her on the cold tile floor. After a few moments, he tried to pull back to get a look at her face, but Blair's arms were still locked so hard around his neck, he was beginning to feel her nails digging into his skin.

When he was finally able to, Nate grasped her arms and pulled them away from his neck before dragging his hands down to hers and holding them. They were so fragile in his hands - he could feel it - he couldn't believe it.

After a while, Nate began rubbing her knuckles softly with his thumbs, not able look up at her face yet - only able to stare at her tiny hands. He was afraid to look up, and see that girl again - the one who'd been screaming just outside the door, but he knew that he had to man-up and look.

Serena watched as Nate put Blair down, and could see his struggle with her. She felt uncomfortable watching them for a second, feeling as if she was intruding on a couple's intimate moment or something, but after a moment she pushed that to the back of her mind. This wasn't an intimate moment at all. Blair was hurting, and Serena was going to be there for her.

Nate could hear Serena's heavy breathing behind him as he looked at Blair's hands. After a while, he looked back at her, not letting go of Blair.

"Serena," he called.

It took Serena a moment to focus, having to shake her head and register the fact that she was being talked to her.

"…Yeah?"

"Could you get some towels and stuff to clean up the blood?"

"Blood," she cried, and Blair flinched from Serena's tone.

Serena walked quickly toward Blair in a panic, and Nate immediately dropped Blair's hands before placing himself in a stand position between the two girls.

"She just has a few cuts from the glass," he spoke reassuringly. "Please go, and ask Tripp or Maureen if there's a first aid kit around that would help."

Serena didn't say anything, only stared down at Blair on the ground, her face slowly falling into a deep frown.

Nate tapped Serena's arm, breaking her from her trance. "Serena - she's fine."

She looked at Nate before she turned her back, whispering "she's not fine," in a bitter tone while heading out the door.

Nate sighed in frustration before rubbing his hands over his face. He turned back towards Blair, and again took his seat in front of her.

"Blair?"

She continued staring down at the floor, her hair covering her face.

"Blair look at me," Nate said, moving the hair out of her face before lifting her chin up towards him.

She flinched, but her eyes slowly came up to his, filled with tears, her face blotchy from crying. She looked empty inside, and it scared Nate to see her like that. She suddenly began whispering "I didn't want it to happen again. Not again. His hands and breath, I couldn't. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Nate watched her start to weep again and grabbed her face with both of his hands before looking her straight in the eyes. "Blair, what happened to you," he asked with all of the heart he could muster.

"I just couldn't go through it again. It hurt Nate - so bad." She choked on her sobs in between words.

"Blair, nothing is going to hurt you again. I wouldn't let it! You have to tell me what happened," he begged.

Blair shut her eyes and hugged her knees to her chest. Nate moved to her side, and leaned his back up against the bathroom wall.

-

Serena walked down the hall, frustrated with herself for leaving Blair. She didn't want to, but Nate wasn't going to leave, and Blair needed something to clean up with.

She needed to be responsible now, and stop letting her emotions direct her.

"How is she?"

Serena jumped, and then slowly turned around to see Chuck leaning against the wall - his hands pushed deep into his pockets. He wasn't looking at Serena, kept his eyes glued to the floor.

Serena blinked a few times, and then replied, "She's…I don't know." Serena swallowed hard, and bit her lip to stop her from tearing up. "What the hell did you do Chuck?" she finally spit through clinched teeth.

Chuck backed away from the wall abruptly and looked up at Serena.

She could tell he had been crying - privately. Not letting the tears fall down his face. "I didn't do anything! At least, nothing that would start that freaking nightmare in there."

Serena looked down at her hands, nervously allowing them to pick at each other. Seeing Chuck Bass have even the slightest bit of emotion, without drugs involved, could make anyone uncomfortable. It just wasn't a normal thing to see. Ever.

"Why are you out here," he asked.

Serena looked up, immediately remembering what the hell she was suppose to be doing. "Damn it," she muttered. "I'm out here because I need to find a first aid kit for Blair's cuts from the bashing of the plates and whatnot."

Chuck looked at the ground, and then back up at Serena. "So...Blairs with Nate alone?"

Serena gave him a tight glare. "Yes, she's alone with Nate. Is there something wrong with that?" She knew that she was screwing with him, and at the moment, she thought he deserved at least that for screwing with Blair.

"No. It's just that Nate's superhero tendencies might kick in, and he might do something very...unhelpful."

Serena wanted to tell him to screw off, but she kind of believed what he was saying. Nate alone with Blair, just at this moment seemed very illogical. She started to panic in her head a little. She wanted to go back to Blair so that she could make sure everything was ok, that Blair wasn't having a meltdown with Nate failing at calming her down.

Chuck could see her picking a part his words, and knowing that it made sense in some way. Some ridiculous way.

"I'll ask Tripp if he knows where some stuff would be, so you can go back and help out Archibald wonder."

Serena was about to object, but decided that she didn't have the patience to care about what Chuck's motives were at the moment. She just wanted to be by Blair's side.

"Fine. Just make it quick." Serena said, looking up to see Chuck walking down the hall, before she practically ran back to the bathroom.

-

"Did he drug you?"

She shook her head no.

"Threaten you?"

She shook her head no again.

"Were you wasted," he asked in a somewhat hopeful tone.

"I had a few drinks," she coked out. She was nervously rubbing her feet together on the ground.

He couldn't look at her, so he stared at the ground while he talked to her.

He slowly went to say his next words. "Alright... so. You went up to his room wil-" Serena suddenly burst through the doorway, eyes wide.

Nate cut short what he was saying, and then stood up. "You couldn't find anything?"

"It's coming." Serena snapped at him. She was annoyed with Nate's distrust in her capabilities. He usually was never like this with her - always kind, considerate, and understanding, but the girl on the floor, and her circumstances - whatever they may be - were making a difference in him. In all of them.

"Fine," Nate huffed.

Serena didn't like his tone, or the fact that he had just huffed at her statement. "What's up your ass?"

Nate tilted his head, and looked at Serena as if saying, "Do you really have to ask, or can you not see the girl on the floor?" But instead, he went with "Nothing! I just thought that if I sent you to get something, then you'd get it."

Serena walked forward at him, talking with theatrical hand gestures. "I'm trying to help, ok? The stuff is coming."

Nate sighed, and nodded at her statement. "Alright," he answered, putting his hands up in surrender. He turned, not able to look at Blair, but at the wall, unable to move his gaze in her direction. Nate knew that it wasn't her fault, but she went! She willingly followed the shit head. He closed his eyes, trying to forget his anger, but then he started imagining it happening, and it had him clenching his fists.

Serena's eyes, which were watching Nate's back, moved to Blair who was sitting on the ground, refusing to look up. "Blair?" Serena moved in front of her. "Can you talk to me, hun," she asked, sliding next to Blair. She grabbed for one of her hands, and squeezed it tightly.

Blair rested her head on Serena's shoulder. It was a replica of Thanksgiving last year, when Serena came over after Blair relapsed, both girls against a wall holding onto each other.

"I'm sorry Serena." Blair whispered.

Serena told her to shush. She didn't need to hear apologizes because Blair did nothing wrong. Serena just wanted to know how to fix whatever was broken within her best friend. "Blair, you don't have to be sorry. Just talk to me."

Blair pulled her head away from Serena, and looked at her sadly. "Serena. I...I," she began, but broke off when she started to sob.

Serena hugged her while Nate settled against the bathroom sinks, staring at the ceiling, and breathing through his nose heavily.

The bathroom door swung open, and Nate and Serena's eyes darted over to see who was coming through. Serena already knew who it was, but she hoped it wasn't.

"What the hell are you doing in here?!" Nate asked, pissed.

"I brought some stuff to clean up our girl." Chuck said, relaxed.

"She's our girl, is she now?" Nate chuckled bitterly at him.

"Well if you want to be more technical, she was in-"

"Hold your fucking tongue." Nate was glaring a hole into Chuck.

"Both of you shut-up, or take your macho man shit outside, but leave that stuff, Chuck," Serena finally shouted.

Chuck walked towards Serena to give her the kit, but Nate stuck his hands out for it before Chuck could get close to her. "I'll take it."

"Fine." Chuck handed the supplies over.

Nate walked over to Blair, and kneeled down. "Can you give me your arm," he asked as nicely as he could. Blair was slowly getting ready to give him her arm, when he cut her short. "You know what, I'll let Serena help you out." Nate said with the best comforting smile he could muster before he handed the stuff to Serena.

He still couldn't look her in the face.

"Chuck., why don't you come with me back to the reception? I think a little back up while talking to Eleanor would be helpful. Even if it's you."

Serena was cleaning out Blair's cuts, and bandaging them while the two little boys faught over their favorite toy.

Chuck was about to object to Nate's semi-kind offer (more like demand), but decided that starting more drama was not for the best. "Well because you asked so nicely, I guess I could." Chuck smiled falsely.

Nate started towards the door without another word.

"Nate!" Blair quickly stood up.

He slowly turned towards her, but kept his eyes at the ground.

"What Blair," he asked calmly.

"She doesn't-"

"She doesn't know," he guessed. "Don't worry about it. I won't."

She nodded her head to thank him, but he didn't see it because he wasn't looking at her. He didn't need to see any response from her, though. Nate knew what she didn't want him to do or say, and he wouldn't.

Nate walked out of the door, Chuck following behind, and Blair watched them as they went.

"Blair?" Serena stood up next to her.

"What," she asked, still staring at the door.

"Do you want to go home?"

"Yeah."

"Alright come on." Serena grabbed for Blair's arm, but Blair stepped back.

"Alone," she corrected.

Serena stared blankly at her. She wasn't going to let Blair go alone. Not after everything that had just happened!

"Blair, I think that I should come with you."

Blair finally looked up at Serena, wanting Serena to listen intently. "Serena, you can walk out by my side, put me in the freaking cab, but I need to be alone from there. Please."

Serena sighed. "Blair...fine."

"Thank you." Blair smiled, but it wasn't a big smile or even that happy. It just meant that she was grateful.

"Lets go," Serena said, holding her hand out, and Blair grabbed onto it. They both walked out of the bathroom side by side.

___

_"Your silence will not protect you."_

_**TBC...**_

* * *

**A/N: Before I move onto the next chapter I wanted to clear something up. This story is not an NB, CB or any Blair pairing known to man kind story. lol. It's purely a Blair fanfiction. I never had it planned to make a certain couple get together by the end of this, so really alls up in the air. NB and CB will be in and out of the story though (Which doesn't necessarily mean couple NB/CB could mean just friends.). Really it all depends on how I feel writing certain people into a scene and what not. So I'm sorry if anyones wondering who I'm leaning towards matching Blair up with or if I'm doing that at all, I really can't say. If anyone has questions just send them my way. :) Thank you so much for reading!**

**PS: The quote is by Audre Lorde**


End file.
